Ides of March

Walking in loops and circles
With ear-phones on-
The song that moves,
Doing rounds,
You think back to the year
And the series of What-Ifs or Never-Hads.
A quixotic year,
Chaotic supreme,
And a drudgery through
The wafer thin rays of sunshine.
Music plays on,
Trying to evoke the submerged emotions,
You pull the hood low-
Cover eyes.
You want the tears to fall,
But they remain numb too.
You meet childhood faces of joy,
And realize that it's a long forgotten word,
Indeed.
You look up at the twinkling lights,
Adorning the street of dreams-
Park Street comes alive in all it's glory-
And besotted you are touched by the magical realism
Of the moment.
Long to escape,
Run away to regain life
And another shot at happiness.
You look back at the childhood face again -
It looked resigned and disinterested.
The happiness around,
Didn't seem to touch either.
The two faces have lost their route to innocence,
Or the truth in it's meaning !
In fact, the merry revelry,
Seemed distant and fake-
Artificial in it's rancor.
It augured ugly in it's smirk.
The music in the head droned on-
Urging the insane to laugh at the own debacle.
Looking at the inane then,
From the parental eyes,
It's a spectacle surely !
The charade holds together,
By weak stitches sewn in dread.
Unable to meet the wise eyes,
The chameleon resorts to the cover of hood.
Yearning for Ides of March,
To mark the flight to freedom,
And charting the course,
Along the mind map,
The sheathed eyes,
Scorch the azure blue above.
Spring time,
Must then bring a step and a rhythm,
To the jump,
As the rabbitty prints scurry far away-
For shelter,
In an unknown wood.
Maybe with the dying notes,
And gilded embers-
That wreathe the joyless, hapless and loveless
Will peace come too,
As also the end.

Eyes

There's a certain one,
In my borrowed world-
Who makes my skin crawl.
The sight irks me,
Day in and day out.
The obnoxious vox,
Oozes artificiality-
As it sugar-coats all hidden intent.
I despise slyness,
I dislike under handedness-
A fair player,
I reward me with silence mostly.
I encourage a halo of peace all around me,
For I cease to exist in the moment-
But snap back to reality as soon.
Despite, a wandering mind,
I do have capacity for details-
Where I don't want the fox to trot on!
Therein lies my ire-
Of hearing tangible fakeness-
Reminders set as hungry ring-tones.
Given the holes in my world at present,
Or rather the lack of it-
I'd hoped for the human contact to be minimum-
Yet ironical be my prayers.
Dreams and life bear an inverse relation, indeed.
So the mule,
Prances about-
With honeyed words
As it's lances.
Untying the laces of my control.
Goosebumped, I shiver-
In silent anger at the parsimony of space.
Run my fingers through now,
My almost waist touching hair-
To breathe and calm down.
The fight rages on,
Behind shut eyes-
And when I open them-
I am greeted by more of the syrupy smile.
I seethe inwardly,
Praying for a magic carpet.
Yet once when cooled-
I look at my object of consternation,
With awe and fascination-
To evoke so much in the otherwise wooden me.
I see the loose clothes,
Draping the scrawny self-
And the uncombed hair,
Untamed and uncared for.
I see a fierce determination,
Behind the yellow frames-
Which otherwise I term 'sly'.
I see the deftness and tenacious perseverance,
Exhibited at multi-tasking,
In the crunched space that
Time affords.
And as I let my eyes,
Take in the little things,
I find myself, quite humbled-
With a cry,
I realize,
That was it not me
A couple of years back-
Just like this, maybe.
I have changed-
Yes, I know.
Colder, angrier and more warring-
I know my own warren by now.
Loveless, I share little joy with most-
Callous and hard,
I stare as I absorb.
But as I gaze into the wide eyes,
Do I see a streak of vulnerability lurking within?
I step back,
Analyze my own thoughts-
Question my own feelings-
Past my constant numbed state.
Is it that,
I am scared to see the soul stripped bare?
Maybe, cynicism has earmarked the darkened me now-
Insouciance pervades into my cellular being.
I define my space as absolute-
Not to be trodden by anyone.
I care in my acre-
For some close-
Knowing fully well,
That none is reciprocated anyway.
Yet as I look at the bewildered brown eyes,
In front me-
Do I feel compassion well up?
Or is it solidarity,
To have sensed one of my own?

The Countdown

Counting the days off to the end,
Wonder what stopped me from my own end.
Slitting veins and seeing the blood pour?
Surely not cowardice-
Maybe a certain text message from the soul sister,
Jarring me back to reality.
Or maybe the thought of my parents-
Without me,
There'll be nothing for them to live for.
But, if I am the only one-
Then most certainly,
That's their doing.
Not mine-
Not a mistake, I shall bear.
At my darkest pit,
I find peace,
A requiem for solace-
Maybe, I may too savor a piece of me.
I think of the bitch face,
I troll at-
The she-male might be reading  this now-
Ah, not my doing.
How I wish to dig the knife's edge through
Cracks of the crack that shapes part of my world now.
Walrussy the looks,
The fangs almost grimace into a menacing smile!
Pity floods over me-
At the sordid existence of such a waste.
I even laugh,
At the cause of it all-
Quite a comic sense of relief,
That thought alone.
Of laugh and love-
Or laugh in love-
Or laughing love!
Nah ! I shan't-
I respect thy shadow.
So, taking my mind off to a merrier territory-
I see that
Bitch face too smiles,
I think-
Sadistic the soul,
The sagging body derives joy,
Quite Scrooge-like.
Well, that set of people,
Have their own ends to meet.
Last laugh, they cannot have.
Darkness invades their pores.
It's the final countdown,
In my mind-
As I berate the heart too to
Reign in tantrums.
The soles of my feet,
Itch, as they inch towards,
A certain sense of salvation.
Maybe self-love,
Ought to win.
Let the wonder prevail-
Beseech as I forsake.
Maybe smoke up and stay up
Through the night-
With the wild and the random-
Living the 'Hollywood' life-
Would you care?
I think not.
For bitch face barks as it harks out-
Expletives in it's broken chord-
At the sexy back turned on me.

Onus

This is a conversation with my Sonu,
And things I need to say-
To re-strengthen certain unsaid vows-
And re-affirm our faith.
Love supreme,
Does rule all five senses,
But where we stand today,
Is a path-
To deeper woods-
Maybe a way through all
Malice and Wanderland-
To a certain Tomorrow Land.
It's difficult to trod over,
The thorns in search of a throne-
But together,
Nothing seems impossible to conquer.
By you,
I stand strong-
Let you be tall for me too.
Let your hands,
That I know so well-
Guide both of us through.
What I am in your eyes,
Is a matter of utmost concern-
The magic never fails to startle me-
As also the force to change to the silent urge,
Of being your image.
But not a mirage-
I disagree,
My identity now,
Maybe capped by you-
And willingly shall I submit to the hold.
Yet, firm I must stand,
In my own conviction of my own claim.
I look into your eyes-
Lovingly caressing the velvet depth-
I see eons stretched-
Writ as our holy grail.
I see the frames that silence engulfs,
As maybe you struggle with words,
You have to express.
As you should,
For I must hear you out too-
As it's my lifeline to live.
Your halo sheathes me-
I bask in it's glow-
Do you feel my warmth too,Sonu,
As our shadows cross unseen?
I kiss your hands,
In the dark-
Feeling the quiet strength reside
In the veins.
Trace patterns across the face
Much loved-
Yes, I must hear you out loud
And in full.
In our search for peace,
Questions war against solitude-
Not as daggers that draw blood,
But alchemic stones,
That enhance our golden sheen.
You shimmer as you stand strong,
Never let the shine dampen-
For me too,
As I stare in awe at your magnitude,
Of being and seeing.
I promise silently,
Unto myself as I pray for your happiness-
To always reach out to your core,
And soothe storms
As I stretch against limits,
To know and feel you better.
Understand you more,
And be closer than before.
Love the mind that lies behind,
The sharp eyes that miss nothing.
No matter the pain points
Or complaints-
They're minor after all-
The wholesome feeling that you bring to me-
By being you,
Is irreplaceable a crescendo!
I love the nurturer in you,
Reap along with you,
The seeds of wonder.
Yes, our love may raise eyebrows-
But we shall fight out the odds of it too-
As long unity lies in concurrence-
For I cannot not,
Give you all that you desire.
In you, I find my completion,
Unknowingly, I had stumbled upon my soulmate-
And now, it's too late to retrace the precious steps,
To reclaim a weary living of a facade-
Or perhaps a dumb charade.

Unanchored

Channels of thoughts,
Like concentric orbits-
Rage on - muted,
Like a systemic collision.
Curled up,
I mark the degenerated,with austerity,
As progress remains quite banal,
And the finale set in regress.
If the nerve center, be on a spoke.
Then life seems to be in 24 different directions-
All at once.
Mayhaps, all this,
All at once-
Is a wake-up call.
To brush my present with sanity,
And come back to life.
Hit the pause button - rewind.
Maybe the hour long conversation
Which ensconced 100:1 ratio of words minced-
By you and me-
Did have an effect.
Pontificated absoluteness,
Presaged me.
As the two worlds,
Came sharply in focus.
Perhaps, I am really not
Meant for the severity that numbers impose,
On me.
It's a drudgery, then -
This trajectory.
Linearity, is not me.
Yet, that's where,more so often,
I find myself wandering.
Trying to choose the right path,
From all 24 different directions.
I should live for me-
Give up all folly.
All dogmatic foolhardy ways,
And irrational hopes.
Dreams kill.
Kill dreams.
Be an active, to my passive.
Be self-reliant,
Than a reluctant pliant.
You tell me to hold on,
Keep the faith alive.
But all I see,
Is the clock ticking away-
To glory?
I wonder,
How can I,
And how long-
When we're fast diminishing proximity-
And drift to far-away nothingness.
Nothing shared-
Nothing gained.
You slowly become,
Just another face-
Just another abstract foothold.
It matters,
Who I am in your eyes.
Careful, thence,
I re-think most actions-
Keeping your vox in perspective.
I wish not to perturb the disturbed,
But increasingly,
The after-effect is a weakening,
Of self-identity.
At times,
You seem like a stranger-
I know not what brings
The many creases alive.
I think about ,
What truly gives the flotsam,
Some relief and joy.
But the answer now lies
In oblivion.
As all traces of old innocence,
Seems to have evaporated.
Maybe, there's an expiry date,
To self too-
Like a snake,
We exfoliate too.
Dissolve
Absolve
Resolve
- yet flow on-
Un-anchored.

Wooden

I wake up alarmed,
The groan of pain seems unsettling-
It's new for me,
To hear the discomfort.
The seething pain seems searing,
Burning a bright hole in the lung.
Breathing seems difficult-
Yet as an observer, I wonder,
The relevance of the irony.
In the middle of the night,
As I sit up,
Cradling the hot steaming mug,
I think about the strange phone conversation-
How it happened out of the blue almost-
A wake up call?
Could be.
I am supposed to feel weird-
To know the progress in your life,
But I hardly feel much.
Care and concern-
Yes, somewhat.
But nothing more-hence I abstain-
From reaching out to you to even talk.
Could be fake from my side-
May deride or denounce your emotions.
I respect them.
I stay away.
What persists,
Is a strange line of thought-
As I try capture the meaninglessness of it all.
The point of the story being
That nothing so far-
Had any point, after all.
Dreams dreamt-
Shatter in a millisecond-
As hearts change-
And course lives too- in a heartbeat!
Thoughts turn to the ever present reality-
Which borders on surreal.
I smile,
Again, I may ask -
What's the point of it all?
My time is running out on me.
I feel strangely wooden-
With most lyrics and reactions frozen.
I wish you well-
Bid you peace.
In my mind,
In my heart-
You have brought nothing but that.
I have not. I cannot.
An innocent face,
Flashes up.
Do I feel love for it?
Could be.
I cannot define what love is-
Or any reason for it.
I would wish to protect it-
Even from me-
As also it's father-
Much away from me.
Not sure at about the whole gamut of all that I feel -
Just old and strained.
Mostly, I believe that I have lost all my emotions-
With passive eyes thus-
I watch most-
See through it all-
The farce-
The upholstery that holds all gilded edges.
I cannot not want happiness,
For all those around me.
Even for the one,
Who seems strangely calm and lost now-
Unsure of where life is- so drifting through his escapism.
The sojourn was an eye-opener-
Comfort barrier breaker,
As I could sense you  more.
But not react much to anything.
Yet, I would wish,
That you mend it all-
In your own time-
For I sense a strange cynicism lurking close by-
That scares me if it sets fire to your future.
But all these,
Seem to happen from a distance-
As I feel rudderless and motionless-
Waiting for time to race by me.

Incognito

Green tea and I have become
Quite good friends, I must say.
Incomplete the taste buds,
Gnaw at nights, when unattended to.
Craving- this must be it-
For the warm liquid to give relief.
It's my thought time,
Sipping on the sake-
As I watch the leaves swirl by.
No crystal ball,
Still I gaze into them-
Like a loony cow, lost in grey meadows.
I wonder what the future holds.
All images once dreamed of-
Would they just be an expectation of me?
Or would I be able to translate all imaginings to reality?
In my world, as much as I may love others,
I guess, I love me the most.
Yet dreams, ambitions collide with a sense of responsibility.
Towards what- I don't really know.
Not my folks- they're used to me being a free bird.
I love them- mostly from  afar,
Scared of excess proximity.
I watch Avik,
Marveling at his courage-
To be voluntarily jobless in a world like today,
And giving form to his dream.
I cannot-
Love money too much and the freedom it gives me.
But is it not a chained freedom -
For the butter that wets my bread-
Is unloved and uncared about.
I see my brother-
Like me-
Adrift in currents,
Awaiting the right tide at the right time.
I look at you too,
Whom I love so true.
But at times,
I seek to place your fragile form
In a mantle much beyond my grasp-
As I remain scared of my own shadow
To darken your world in any way.
Try to push you away thus-
Mayhaps, it's all a mistake.
I am not anyone one should be with-
Or desire for I have nothing.
Can't give anything.
I long to break free thus-
Fly outward- away from human contact-
Live life incognito-
Unknown-unsought.
I care not about the conventionalities of life-
Marriage, babies, old age-
They aren't for me.
I am not cut out for any such trust.
Too much of a wanderer in mind-
I try to fathom out a career path,
That might carry me somewhat.
Yet ensconced in a meager comfort spot-
I shy away from distance.
I don't have faith in numbers-
Words are jargons mostly.
I try to know me-
Through me-
In my silence,
In my defence.
But blank walls stare right back at me-
When I probe inwards-
To know what I want exactly.
Green tea makes me mellow-
Soothes the aching throat.
I wonder if life itself,
Has made me shallow?
Am I too far away from,
Whom I imagined me to be?
Or who I had made myself to be?
Somewhere, it's all a blur-
The line of control,
Between definite and dreams.
Mostly, I think about cutting it all short-
Flying away - much afar.
Is it all worth it?
The slow death every time?
Or is the show really an example of courage-
When passion must bid an exodus.
But what blasphemy is this epiphany-
When ethereal sought remains ephemeral?

Cobwebs

Looking at you,

I yearn to remove the cobwebs.

And give you the strength to carry on-

Yet frozen remain certain movements,

Alarmed at the alacrity of turns.

Sure of the umbrella truth,

Yet granules are heavier to absorb.

Wish I could turn all obtuse absurdity,

To a defining philosophy of harmony.

Yet, if reality, were to reveal itself,

It will come undone with it's grim sad eyes.

Watchful of any fall,

But half-alive with a sinking feeling in gut.

No, it's not a happy place to be in-

For me and you.

Sorrow etched on both faces,

As lines of resignation to the flow-

Fighting and fighting on -

For what's right?

But, if I may ask-

Right and wrong,

Who decides?

It's what feels correct to comply and compound.

Yet, happiness is not a state of mind.

And it shall never be so.

Given all that is there to lose out on.

I tell you, to choose your path to joy-

Peace, or whatever you know of it.

Am I enough to symbolize the sum?

In my eyes, I don't see it as a sin-

What's happening is what is written in the stars.

But you and I are different-

I am hard and coarse-

You are far more emotional and emoting than me.

Must you be jaded so?

I cannot be happy-

As I know you aren't.

Plus, it's inner ethics, cringing at the turns.

This is not me-

Not what I imagined anything to be-

In life and love.

Much against my identity,

The signage of times, 

Goes past a fast blackening point.

Blurred ends zoom out larger-

This is not what I could have wanted ever.

I feel for a certain  little one.

And no matter what,

I can be there for it too - if ever.

But that's not my district of justice,

I have to adjust to what meager will feel just.

Actually, in all this,

I am not me.

Neither you.

But with each other, we're real and true.

I shall hold back nothing that you deserve-

Even if it goes against my own dreams.

For love remains supreme,

As my path of life-

And not a warpath.

It's an inner conflict,

Of questioning irony or the worth.

Guilt and shades of remorse,

Honestly mars any joy.

It's your smile that I fight for.

But have I killed it, already?

Who am I really, to wreck peace in your world?

I shrug, not getting any answer.

I cannot look away,

It's straining you.

How can I not see that?

I wish, oh, I so wish-

That this was not the way anything was meant to be.

This is not me.

Touch

Not sure of where to start,
As, for the first time,  words seem to escape me.
The weightage of all that I feel-
Overwhelming.
I see my house now-
With a rekindled wonderment-
Awe at your touch.
It looks like a place to live in-
Than just exist.
All the changes that you've brought-
Could possibly make me a better person.
Always aloof and distant,
Not expressive or emotive-
I had always been aware and afraid of your presence.
Yet now,
I crave it,
When absent and in void.
The luminosity of your soul-
Sears through me now-
Like a knife-
Carving out a pathway for rivulets.
Retreating to the cocoon
That your love had brought-
As we traveled to a new horizon-
Of azure blue sky and cotton clouds;
I feel turtled and hedged.
I do know, that your touch is ever-present,
In my life and dreams,
I just need to reach out for it.
But how much valued is a physical presence,
In contrast to a memory?
Bits and pieces shared-
Treasured, as I revealed some,
To your concerned eyes.
I know the reasons for which you live-
And I feel incapacitated,
Not being able to shine in your eyes.
Intent and act remain divergent thus-
Unknowingly, the rift drifts.
I miss the reassurance,
Of your wisdom and technical support-
To an otherwise hapless and careless.
I think of days left-
Fearful,
Of what all I need to yet achieve-
And hope that time doesn't run out on me.
In my world,
I want to live your dreams.
See the world with you-
And through your eyes.
Show you both,
Life in wonder-land
In it's multi-rayed and hued beauty.
Words have always been a poor testimony,
To all that I mean to do or say.
I would only wish for the sand-timer,
To stay frozen.

24/7, 365 days a year

The thoughts strike as I work,
And I feel the flood gates of love suffusing.
Fighting in the dark,
Finding your way through-
Is an image that brings pain
When I think of you.
And it's funny,
Given that you occupy and pre-occupy
My mind,
Every minute of the 24/7.
Questions that face you,
Jar you more than they shake me.
And every ripple in your soul,
Tears me apart as I search in the veracity,
Of an fused living.
I laugh,
At other people's taunts-
Find it funny,
The negativity
That we so impose, on all.
We must be strong then,
Paradoxically-
To even out all odds, together.
24/7,
365 days a year,
You're by me,
As I feel your halo envelop,
As a cocoon,
As you cushion me against all filth.
I stand by you too,
For I believe in you more,
Than you may-
Love you more than you can love yourself.
I would only hope,
That love itself illumines as the shining beacon,
As you remain steadfast,
But never anchorless.
I have never chosen to voice against your life,
It has many shades,
And stories as they unfold.
It doesn't matter what I am told,
For I find mirth in all myths,
That surround you, my man.
We must be something then,
To twist the hearts of many-
Yet we would never intend,
To hurt any.
Valuing every part of you,
I would seek to balance out,
All that you may care for,
And cherish too.
What matters to you,
And salves your spirit-
Must also echo in your mirror.
Together, we are by far stronger,
As I let you dig in your own space.
I caress your beauty,
And seek to free you from all shackles that harness.
Unity lies,
Forever re-strengthened,
As I gaze into the eyes I know-
See the velvet coursing through-
And reaching out to my deepest depths.
As we join hands,
We join fates too.

Life on Pills

Every morning,
Awakening comes with thoughts,
Of names and colors.
Wonder how suddenly,
My life seems governed by those attributes.
The shape and contour must be smooth-
To swallow as recklessly as water permits.
Pills of different hues-
Red, golden, orange, green and white-
Vitamins, minerals and paracetamols.
I can't find my strength any more-
Caged by assorted thoughts,
And lack of desire to touch morsels.
At times,
I do sense the end nearby-
As I black-out,
And fade away.
At times, I wonder,
If the fight to exist is worth all effort.
I remember my mother,
And her pains to take me off the pill support-
Lead a natural life.
But how that can be-
When normal is bygone?
As the stress and bile fuse in,
Numbed be my veins as my blood flow
Remains constricted.
Blue veins stare out,
I urge for the crimson tides-
To exhibit signs of life,
As my life stays inhibited.
Cold grips toes,
I cannot move or walk-
There is a lack of stamina and sensation-
Is it due to my mind or weakness in general?
I long for the hours to discontinue,
As the meaninglessness of pills settles in deep.

Happy 18th October

Always on mind,
Always in dreams-
You blossom,
Ever supreme.
Love your every step,
As you go gallivanting,
In my city of Pune !
Your smile childish,
Happy and full of glee-
That you leave so buried deep in you.
Thoughts of that,
As I stare at a mindless inbox,
Brings a sigh of relief.
I am taken aback too,
At the sheer selflessness,
That stares at me starkly,
When it comes to you.
I live you,
Swear by your name,
Not letting anyone tarnish
It's strange hold,
On me.
In your precious shadow,
I find my strength-
As we sing the same song of peace.
Unhinged and liberated,
You let me fly free.
In your arms,
I seek my salvation.
It's a path of love,
Where I reach out to you,
To find my way back home.
I salute the year gone by -
It's embossed with the gold of truth.
I thank all Forces,
Of letting me clap my eyes on you,
Last year-
This day-
This time-
This date.
And it forever lies imprinted in my heart,
Remains dug deep in my soul-
Carving out a figurine of an angel in my mind.
In my solitude,
When struck by the hard blows of the lonesome ways,
Memories race back to memoirs of us-
And the embers radiate a deep glow,
Like a halo,
Fanning all around me.
Your love's my strength
That carries me through the dark stare-case.
I thank You,
And all your ways-
That makes me warm and fuzzy within.
Happiness floods,
As the wave of love engulfs,
Happy 18th sweetheart-
It's been such a joyride with my soulmate,
Happy Manniversary my Man-Wonder
To you, I belong, my Mangel !

Virus

Wonder how elastic is patience,

Or when it borders on  madness.

Is it callousness of oneself

That makes one careless of reason?

Stepping on the path of treason-

The treasure seemed a public property almost.

Naturally, the urge is to expose the core-

No matter the ugly stench of it.

Belief,faith and trust,

Seems raw and frayed.

Questioning the fundamental foundation,

As someone's idea of fun- 

Seems the only logical way through.

The virus contaminates the mind-

As it retraces through it's regrets.

Flying far away from it's secure nest-

The humdrum seems a loud noise,

In itself a jeer to the downtrodden.

The eyes known once,

Seem strange and bleak to gaze into.

Ease lies shaken,

As the discrepancies of motives,

Comes into play.

The hands that clasped,

Now seem like weapons meant to murder dreams.

The body that sheathed,

Now seems like a cardboarded fantasy-

Or maybe just an effigy of folly.
With some more days wasted in daze,

And precious youth stagnant-

The urge to break-free and feel alive,

Is through spirits - to enliven the espirit.

Drags that deaden senses,

Is a heady escapism-

And give peace that soothe as a thin balm.

Lost in one's own world,

Superficial seems supreme,

Fake be smiles that don't reach to the eyes

It's all a game,

That must end,

Before it ends others.

Giving it all,

There's not much left.

Love?

Its a carnival of love,

The license to enjoy sinless,

Leaving past to dust,

And storming ahead.

Holding hands I know,

Avik's or Dad's-

Sure of their love,

Way forward seems easy.

No more the mercurial or suicidal thoughts,

Settling back in deep repose-

Time seems a luxury almost.

Its a surge of emotions,

Love, awe and wonder

Making me softened to touch

And sensitized to surroundings.

The crowd that had irked,

Now seemed a comfort zone.

Far away from the city that ruins,

Curled up on your lap,

I let the tears flow free.

Held back for so long.

The slightest touch of known,

Unzipping the scars.

I hear you croon the soft words,

Feel kisses reign on my hair,

As you rock me and treat me like a child.

But my numbed state observes most 

In slow motion.

Feeling nothing 

Except deep anger.

The longing to lash out

And destroy the pitiable petty pretty face;

Seems like a blood boiling urge.

I think about you,

And feel confusion reign in.

We are both normal,

Chasing the abnormal.

The glitch has to be kicked aside,

Or we cave in.

Hatred courses through me,

As I think of you and me
Stuck in this madness of rat race
And its unending layers that complicate lives.
I shake my curls,
As the tears saturate your shirt.
Looking at you,
I feel sadness tingled with love?

Opium

The burden of dreams,
Seems like an immovable weight,
Settled on your back-
To curb all your way forward.
You see them shelling off,
One by one-
Falling off your own sand castles,
Into pits and dunes unseen.
You watch the downfall,
Passively-
As there isn't much to emote on.
The dead weight,
Leaves no peace.
It shreds to pieces-
All happiness too.
Bitter and burnt,
The stain of Karma,
Invades olfactory senses.
The jagged ends of the burnt crystals,
Settled like sediments atop surfaces-
Now, prick as the cuts bleed.
Indeed, given the anti-social stance,
You feel pity for those who wish to reach out.
Condescending too-
As you remain ingrained and buried in your own iron shell.
Yet you watch it all-
All efforts at cheer,
All actions of trying to unchain and un-shackle-
Met only with a silent jeer.
No-one close enough-
Distance is what pacifies-
Time heals- but when remains the question?
Is it impatience marring conscience-
Then again, would it rightfully not be so too-
As any path ahead,
Seems darker- shrouded in mystery?
Pawn or puppet,
You refuse to dance or tag along,
While others reproduce spawns,
You opt for the Devil to slay your Nightingale.
Basically then, basic instincts,
Lay prostrate at odds with one another.
What you aspire for,
Is mocked at by reality alone.
Do you feel alone too?
The iron shell,
Prohibits a rational thought-
Yet by itself,
The structure offers a reliefs,
As it segues into a land of the solitary reaper.
Curiously you wonder,
At the lack of trials
Of any acts to inveigle joy-
But you scoff and scorn at your own pedantry-
When all lies pejorative-
To all that you hold dear;
It's all a story that ends with
Once upon a time.
Sunshine, could only impart the yellow hue-
Much earlier, to the immature shapeless mind.
Now, all efforts to seek warmth,
Seem vain-
As all mirth too seem to wane-
Instead of a smile,
You meet the serious eyes-
Hidden behind dark shades.
Transition & transformation
To translucence,
Is a constant and a conscious choice,
Towards convenience.
You form your own escape strategies,
From all the confusions-
That only serve to further torment-
And relish the lack of release.
Opium, is what the lackluster eyes thirst for-
To deaden senses

You

And it matters to me
What You go through-
Rings and wrecks,
Right in and through me.
It's a heart's despair,
The silence that engulfs
Two lines-
While the minds maybe conversing,
In their own telepathy.
You ask me not to worry,
You've got it under control-
But doesn't logic fail-
When in front of the magic of love?
I care,
Seems the least that I can do-
For You, now-
As You go through Your own personal hell.
You wish nothing but peace and happiness,
Likewise, I would roar-
But at what cost?
Is it all worth it-
I keep asking,
But the answer obviates itself,
Before You catapult it through me.
Is this a phase then?
Which has its own potholes and daily downfalls?
Then, You have me firmly ensconced by You-
Through thick and thin-
And all such terms that folklores endear to.
Yet, I believe in them-
For I believe in You.
I subscribe to the value of One-
One love, life and being.
In You, I seek my Unity.
By You,
I choose to navigate the life-waves-
All turbulence or storms,
Or winds of change.
I wish to support You,
And raise You higher each time-
Elevate You to that pedestal,
Of awe, wonder and envy.
For, I believe,
That You deserve it-
For being just You.
And I believe in You.
I long to take You away,
And shelter You in Your sand-castle,
In Your own Island of Dreams.
Let You be the child,
That You deny.
And feel innocence,
Tracing Your footfalls again.
How I wish,
So many things,
For You.
If only,
Dementia didn't strike retards.
Pine to let You run free,
Towards all that You seek.
Wish to end it all for You-
So that no more You may have to fight it out,
As You wait it out.

Mind Factory

Prosaic projections,
Of everyday Mind Factory,
Stretch out beyond seamless eons-
As an endless drudgery.
The routine of 6-1,
Is a tortoise shelled and turtle paced,
Idea of someone else.
Keynotes of keypads,
Fill the drill-
With all political frills.
Drone on,
You slave -
Mindlessly you live your days,
And outlive your own ways.
Physically numb,
You become mentally numb too-
Climbing the rungs to hazy rings,
Of smoke and no fire.
Ranks and Banks,
Juggle your sense of self-
As your mission is no longer your own vision.
You live someone else's passion.
Are you even yourself?
Has your identity,
Perished in the ignominy of id-entity?
That too,
Guided by the selfish constrictions
Of another's lackluster dreams?
What is the end?
And what may lie beyond-
Are questions, mayhaps,
The ordinary refuse to seek answers to.
Choose to shut themselves in their islands,
Praying for inception to have mercy on the mice.
Are you rolling your own dice?
Or just struggling to find the truth in the lies?
Vain drain of brain-
Eroding sanity,
Corroding belief,
And fast transgressing to what fiction depicts
As an assembly line mortgage.
Trapped in the honeyed fibers,
Lashless eyes see no end, no beginning-
No mindbend-
A touch of creativity,
Seems alien and God-sent.
Sparks feel like off-shoots,
Pristine their clarity-
Yet dreary and unwelcome.
Thoughts find no form,
As the top-heavy ladder,
Gives no shape.
No rise,
No escape.
It's just a waste-
These wishful days of fancy,
When young impressionable minds-
Are caught up between ideal and real-
The friction becomes the charade,
One must evince dumbness too.
Progress becomes a process thus -
In this jaded Mind Factory.

Run Run Run

I want to run too,
On the treadmill,
Or the road.
With feet pounding-
Venting out all that goes on inside.
I wish,
I had the energy for my earlier pace now.
I see others.
And let jealousy overtake my rationale.
With all gone haywire,
At least running brings in my modicum of sanity,
Back in my life.
And I really want to feel the air,
Gushing past me-
Like all my senses heightened beyond,
The silent scream born out of intense rage.
Yes, anger suffuses me,
As I feel all that I never want to feel ever.
All the hatred against the harsh faces,
Get stuck with nowhere to go.
All the trivial specks of rivalry and unhealthy competition-
Find no outlet.
It's like sweat,
That doesn't pour.
I want to run,
Amok-
Out of my mind.
Leave the drudgery of Gurgaon behind-
And fade into my own rainbow-
Nowhere to find.
I want to feel the hard-work,
Grinding under my feet.
As perfection itself seems an absolute illusion now.
Much beyond vanity,
I want to run out my own insanity.
I want to leave all my self-hate intact-
As a wreck ball gone havoc.
Guess, cracks are indeed surfacing-
From all the mindlessness that I am facing-
All that I want to rip, tear and kill-
With my blood boiling.
Yet, I think of a loved face,
And that stops me from retaliating-
From the foolish ways of a 'pretty' poor being-
Or the retarded ways of a demented forsaken pebble.
That face alone,
Gives me just a sliver of peace-
Yet as it saps me off my own energy;
Making me love and hate it equally-
Yet treasure it with all the goodness
That encourages me to go on.
But I do need to run-
Rebuild me, as my earlier me.
Of which I know just a skeleton-
Or just must trace the transition.
I want to burn,
As I run.

Que Sera Sera

The last day,

We'd met,

Made me question,

The parsimonious words,

That we dared to share in the interim.

Was it all to fill up gaps?

Spaces that we can't let be seen?

Maybe over that coffee,

I could have told you more,

Or maybe at night over that shot,

I could have spilled my beans to you too.

But is it at all a mandate,

To open up and embitter more?

True, all we had was a lot of fire to shed-

That incinerated us both

And left chars in our wake.

Tears ruined our nights,

As through days, 

We'd sought empty company.

But then again,

Nights now with you -

Seem unnatural?

Or is it as it was meant to be?

Yes, I did notice

How you'd left the nan

On my plate,

Just the way I liked it.
Or dumped more of the chicken curry,
To make me eat,
As you'd never seen me so physically weak.

Or even stay up at night,

And feel my fever rising up,

To soothe it back to normal.

Love-conditioned were you-

I could ask with a smile.

Yet, I know the action carried

An essence of your thought-

As you've tried to mend it all-

And be there as someone new.

Can I be that too?

As a friend,

For I can be nothing more now.

I feel the love,

But it's a glow now-

Of times shared,

As I would like to carry the goodness ahead.

We did grow up with each other-

Through all the college days and now a steady career.

Just that, I have failed to be your carrier.

All I have in defence,

Is that I have tried-

In all honesty and truth-

But could not strike the chord needed to re-try.

Perhaps never shall.

I love someone else now,

And will forever-

Or so I feel.

But then again,

That's me - as you know best.

I follow my heart and follow it through 

Till all burns.

With you,

It was the same too.

I do feel the pangs of guilt,

Coursing every now and then-

Thinking about the dreams we'd left,

Ours and our parents'.

I saw the same question in your brother's eyes too,
The other night we'd met.
Yet, I was happy,
That you'd acted on the streak of humanity-
That you're best known for -
To take me out and let me feel the fresh air.
Mostly I remain expressionless,
To all your nuances-
Just that, I have a keen observation-
And let nothing slide.

I know not,

What the road now,

Would lead to.

Silence or a 'share-point,'

Or just an unassuming path left open-ended?

Point is, it's my impatience to always search for ends-

For I cannot dance to any tune but mine alone.

Just that,

The lack of transparency,

Wasn't by choice as much as loss of voice.

I have no more to vent out now-

I have said it all,

And destroyed some more of your sleep at times.

All I can fervently hope now,

Is that,

We have nothing artificial in between-

But be as floaters alongside.

Maybe in me,

You may always find a friend,

Who would seek to brighten your way ahead.

Platonic Cosmos

I wonder about the strange connect,
The pans distance,
And spans time-zones alike.
It's an elastic bond,
I feel-
One stretched at will-
To lengths beyond inches.
We talk seldom-
Meet lesser even,
But what is this strange link-
That strengthens every time ?
Yes, I'm grateful-
Cancerian coalesce after all-
Mayhaps that forms the base-
Upon which our prism rests.
We need no words of truth,
To define,
Refine or even outshine our scope.
Just a meet,
And all seems strangely complete,
As we sit and talk-
Like days left behind.
Strictly platonic,
Yet a love so pure,
You always bring a smile,
As I remember to lean on you too.
In actuality,
We think less of each other now-
Lost only in the pace of days.
But good wishes remain always-
As we know that we're there
As silent compatriots.
So, the promise made to you last night,
Is something I'll stand by-
And the moment of looking into your eyes,
Is a moment I'll relive ever.
I am  happy,
To have friends like you in life-
Where I know I've a shelter,
As I come undone.
All conversations and broken words,
Somehow find meaning,
As they weave into your ears,
And find a security in your being.
You know a part of me-
That I share with you,
Just as well,
It's reciprocated likewise.
We're alike yet distinct,
In ethos, ethics and aesthetics.
I learn the craft of beautifying from you,
While you regain some sense of self,
Striking your balance,
Using my strength.
It's a linear equation that we share-
With the many memories left behind.
Yet, we no longer trace the route of nostalgia,
But have progressed as two mature beings-
No longer caught up or confused by how things work-
Instead guided by the motto of making it work,
Regardless of heart-burn or fire.
In essence then,
We have grown up too,
And have also followed the path,
That evolution has laid out for us.
But within it,
We carve out our own niche,
As we still keep our,
Individual brand of insanity alive,
To carry us far and ashore.

Man-Wonder

You're a miracle in being and architecture,
Pristine your form
And flawless your steps.
Must you trod along, in the common man's gait?
To push through said boundaries and defined gates?
Life for you,
Must be upscale and up-street-
Where the only way forward,
Is progress in every sphere.
At 33, you stand tall,
But for you,
I would never hope that you have it all.
May you always be enchanted,
By the simple moments of magic,
That captivate your senses,
And leave your pulse racing.
May you never choose to be happy with your spoils-
I wish to see you vanquish more,
My conquistador.
Plough through unknown terrains,
And reap the wonder of what you sow.
You must learn to tear beyond,
What meets the eye-
And set new goals for you every time.
May your efforts be met with blessings
And rewards.
But would pray in candor,
That it never sets  in lethargy
In your movements.
Hope you always run to chase your own absolute,
Never wavering from what you see as your own moksha.
May your inner peace bear salute,
Of a thousand distant voices -
Bowed in reverence.
The magnanimity of your persona,
Must overshadow all-
Yet never condemn or condescend,
Nor conform to perform.
May all souls be lost,
In your essence-
Like I am,
And forever shall be.
With love,
I shroud your shadow-
With awe,
I may gaze at you,
My Man-Wonder.
Everyday, I pray for the fruition
Of your dreams-
I hear all that you keep  stored in silence-
Long to restore your sense of semblance.
Piece together all the missing pieces of your puzzle,
To circumvent the odds,
And give you, your peace.
I feel all that you keep hidden-
From all eyes,
Who consider you close.
You're but a mere existence to most-
Who know not,
How to treasure you.
I see it all,
The way you want me to.
Pay heed to what your heart says-
Feel your heartbeat in my core.
You resonate deep in me-
Like a long lost soul having found its foothold.
Are we trapped in our own folly?
So be it-
I meet the challenge head on-
Face squarely all those who try to intervene.
I maybe far younger than you,
By matter of years,
That others painstakingly point out at their crudest.
Yet, I would always hope that you fly high
And soar above all clouds and rainbows-
'Coz I know you the deepest and feel you the strongest.
With our hands held,
I feel life coursing through me-
I feel your own rhythm,
Beating in me.
In your heart,
I find my own rhyme-
As our hands fit and shadows shape our conjoined contours.
No matter what,
My love will remain steadfast for you.
Strengthen each day
For all the joy or pain it may bring.
In you, I have painted my own canvas-
Of pearly smiles and joyous sunrises.
I choose to place my faith in you-
For I can  see the shining pathway you illumine-
You will rise and achieve,
All that you'd been born to-
May your aspirations
Find form soon.

Live Fast - Die Young

When the buck stops at you,
And the show refuses to go on-
All you need is the relief of loud music,
Kaleidoscope of wild lights
And light-headed spells as you mix the night away.
You burn,
With the smoke all around you-
OCD and LSD-s grind their way through.
You finally feel happy as you're high-
Way above the starlight-
Rest those tattered fragments of emotions born.
You go with the speed,
Enthralled by its thrill.
Acid tears, scar cheeks.
You cry no more,
Lost in the lucidity of emotions lost.
You love life on the edge-
And the tingling fear of crash and burn-
Never alone.
You love hanging from your own cliff-
As you can't stop the cycle beset on you.
Berserk minds seek no relief,
As the solution comes easy.
Escapism,you call it?
So be it- the cloudy vision agrees.
Snooze is no help,
From your nightmare-
As all the colors you see,
Are blurred in grey.
Reality fades away,
As you shrug off its harsh bites.
Thoughts of the known no more-
As a silent violence engulfs you.
You want to hit out at the Joker-
Tear the skin along the wrinkles
And ruin its smile forever.
You want to uproot the cause of it all-
Purge your own system,
With the tequila sunrise.
You ask the racer to scream through the dark lanes-
Unmindful of the potholes that jar the journey.
It's not a way forward,
Not a progress,
Just a movement from what's stuck.
Time runs slowly through its hours and minutes-
The ashen gaze now lost in its haze.
Dazed but alert,
You look for more of the red light-
'Coz you want to violate them all.
Careless of caution,
Life remains valueless-
As you stop loving your own shadow.
In a way,
You want to look over the brink of wakefulness,
And peer into what lies ahead.
Curiosity drags footsteps in that direction,
There's no more weight to pull you back now.
Live fast , Die young -
The silent motto on the blue lips.
Weakness trails back in,
As the blood loses power to pulsate-
The ends numb now,
You still long for the lights.

Good over Evil

And I can hear the much loved sounds,
Smell the moisture in the air-
See the curly clouds lazing about-
Cotton candies afloat in the blue sea-sky.
Can see the golden rays,
Settling like a love-sheath-
Shelling the clouds.
Colors everywhere-
Splashing and cutting through-
Vying for attention-
For love of the eye afar.
I can see all the familiar preparations,
Routinizing themselves to the festive harmony.
Light-hearted all flow along-
With the frozen tide of times.
The clay-art,
Of reverent shapes and forms-
With the nostalgic view of ten hands,
Slicing life out of the green evil.
Smoke everywhere-
Not hazing the eye,
As it looks on-
Mesmerized-
Stuck in the moment,
Of an emotion deeply felt.
The crackling buzz in the air
Makes the atheist bow-
In deferential code of conduct,
Struck by the pattern of the crowd.
Hands held,
Eyes caress the vista ahead-
Of bodies and floating heads-
As all await their turn to witness,
What childhood had always glorified-
Good over Evil.
May the spirit of goodness hail,
Making silent dreams come true
As prayers are uttered in chant-
Enchanted the eye is besotted too.
Drawn into the quagmire,
Which presupposes the inner conflict-
To believe or not to believe-
To give in or move on?
Faith for the cynic,
Has always been hard to vest trust on-
Yet the love in the air,
Makes the eye acknowledge half-shut,
Of truth and its wisdom.
The Bengali in me,
Stirs in its soul's recesses-
Curled up so far,
It rises from its dormant state,
As I start feeling alive once more,
Letting the blood pulsate deep in my core.
In encore,
Rises my own rhythm,
To keep pace with the drumbeats much loved-
New fabrics caress skin,
As I feel my mother's love deep within.
Yet another year together,
We shall see through yet another Puja together.
In trinity, we have always found our unity-
Nowhere bound but home that we know.
Daydreams come true,
As we dare to set flight.,
All our plight,
And laugh through our tears,
At the mockery that so jades us.
Yet powerful and empowered,
When together we stand with heads held high-
Watching the priest mutter the unknown words-
Yet in the beat known best.
We rise in love supreme,
As my eye searches for another face too -
Much loved but much afar-
Wishing it well with all my heart,
In life and beyond,
May my God rise above all religions.

When Illusion meets Delusion

2 fates,
2 states
and 2 dates -
Were all that took and more-
To wreck the peace
And rock the boat.
It's a fun-story,
Only when fun itself is a pun-
When the older met the wiser-
Yet the naive chose the knave.
The plot was the same-
Damsel in distress
And the black stallion-ed knight stressed.
Rushing into the scene-
To free the chains,
Yet put on more,
Clanky constricting metals.
The locomotion,
Otherwise mostly fluid-
Now remained bottle-necked,
At the clown's hands.
Oscillation of Time,
Proves mundane in the dying days.
Eyes lost in starry daze,
When illusion meets delusion-
The blurred road,
Somehow the way ahead.
The knight's horse is stuck in quicksand-
As the sands of time passes by too.
They can't stop the cycle that spins out of control.
Damsel damns self,
Curses her ill-fated fate-
The unfortunate epic of another heartbreak,
A misfortune.
She sees the knight afar,
Cloaked in  her white sheath-
Clocking the knight's fall.
Will it mark her downfall too?
The window panes offer little relief-
To the vista ahead.
But in it,
She resolves to kill her dreams.
Freedom comes coked in rocksalt-
Sedimented ashes of fossils never bemoaned.
She numbs her dead dreams-
All an illusion in her harrowed world,
Where the hackneyed eye could be narrowed,
To a tunnel-like vision.
She now must shed the rose petals,
That could help her count the hours
To the final countdown.
She must resolve further to absolve,
Of memoirs, moments and laments-
Belated be her erstwhile shortlived joy.
Happiness must be like pearls stamped on-
Blackening the bleak white,
Cracking the smooth sheen.
She must forget,
What one must to exist again-
Now that life left her dead.
She ought to move on,
With a heavy heart and tear-laden eyes-
Forsake all that'd been endeared in a short while-
All that was her home with the knight.
But let go,
And sail away into the night.
Forfeit and see the defeat.

The Sound of Muzak

No matter the ups and downs,
Or the criss-crossing silver lines
With the shadows-
The clash of words and images
And the confusions that reign;
All drown when the notes play.
Fade away when the chords resonate-
With lyrics so true-
A lift from my life.
Wonder which is the precursor?
Music or the art of life?
In their strings,
Optimism bursts forth.
As I hear on loop-
Certain songs that bring tears-
Cleanse and purge out of purgatory-
The stuck soul.
The haunting leit motif,
Draws out inspiration from within.
To arise and rise-
Sanguine but wise.
To keep the faith and plough on-
March towards the blinding light
Letting the steps carry me over,
To freedom yonder.
Keep my belief in your love steadfast-
And remain unwavering in my decision of you.
Music gives strength to the chapped vision-
Re-instate courage to see beyond what meets the eye.
Mellows the storms within,
Keep calm and walk on.
As the wings soar high,
Letting the wind carry the lightness forth-
The loved face flashes by-
In its rhythm my life.

Trialogue

No matter the perils
Amidst all torn thrills-
11 pm is a time-space
For the mind to unwind.
The three cities connect
Forming a Bermuda Triangle,
Over the sordid country's earthy chest.
And the words held back-
Pour into the ears much taken for granted.
What my thoughts cannot shape-
Find form in the other two pairs trusted.
All the tears held back
Throughout the day,
Find vent in the hearts,
That'll never scorn the downtrodden.
To them , thus, I entrust the sorrow of defeat,
Or the zigzags of bumpy joy-stories.
From my pillars,
I hear,
The common man's story-
And the bleakness fades to reveal the shy sun
Hiding behind the clouds.
It's a source of strength, support and sanguine security,
In  my otherwise unfertile and poorly textured,
Sandly loam beneath my sole-less feet.
As I stand dejected,
With back against all,
The other two have gotmy back-
All the way till eternity.
Together, the trio,
Hash out the twenty something problems,
And unwind - not seeking any solution.
The 3 pairs of eyes
Have seen much of the world.
The dark hideous underbelly of it,
As also the changing colors,
Of faces much known.
Yet in the company of the threesome,
Lonesome days and nights,
Cross one by-
The pinch is not felt,
But once again cherished hopes are shared.
The trialogue marks the beginning of the day,
When the night is almost about to end.
Yet throughout the day,
It's the only thing much awaited.
For its nothing but the truth,
And the surety of love supreme.
While all around falls,
Like castles in the sand,
Washed away by the cruel tides.
The trialogue may run the same channel,
Hum the same tune.
Yet the unending meanders,
Stand for integrity,
In a world fast dying,
With deception running amok.
Mocking the much apprehended diurnal tyranny,
The threesome sail through the gails-
Riding through the breathless peals-
That much lovingly feel real.
In  the grey globe,
The trialogue stands as testimony of longevity.
That foundations can be strong,
And love maybe built on them to forever exist.
When nothing lasts forever,
And fickle hearts change and entangle you,
Like quicksand in its vice-grip-
The trialogue serves a mast
And an anchor,
To the boat that rides shaken.
For always and more,
In wonderment, I thank the Almighty-
Forever and more,
Shall the trinity be a unity.

Burn

A coffee cup conversation.
With the Concerned Banana-
Shot us off into our outer space,
With both unwillingly faced with the
Magnanimity of the Cancer !
The aqueous symbol stands for nothing
But over-active lacrimal glands-
Or just numb tired tissues.
Sips doused in froth,
Hazes the weary minds too.
As words tumble out,
In the the rather awkward shared space.
Strangely, the watered sign binds us to
A starry fate-
That we can only stare at.
'Coz it's too far-
And too much beyond comprehension-
Much above individual will to see a collective conclusion.
Collateral damage- that's what became of us-
As the others strode towards the podium.
Issues remained the same-
With names and borderlines changed.
Songs remained the same too-
Funny how loving and losing is interchangeable,
By age, life-stage and an alphabet !
We may laugh-
In bitter sweet irony-
Of all the agony that ties us to the sign.
We long for the earth or the fire to be the ruler-
Or transpose the fate of date !
We burn - heroes in our own stories.
Suffer the ignominy of all that's familiar.
Banana looks at me-
While I let my eyes slide-
Looking for that new slice of a new lie.
Actually, what we'd realized,
Is that the horror-scope
At the time of our births-
Had destined us towards nothing-
But to meet, greet and treat dysfunctional breaks.
Is it that, we don't let ourselves be happy-
Let go and make peace with the loss.
Why does the sign cling on to
What's not the fate,
But a swim through dire straits?
We look at each other,
And the scars that leave the plots bare.
Burn, is all that we can think of,
In our own despair.
While solution remains simple-
The ethics of our sign,
Pulsate and drill into us,
The codes of conduct-
Like the stone tablets of Hammurabi,
We seek our inner peace,
Through the fire-
As we walk barefeet.
The clouds offer no shade,
The rain- no mercy.
It;s just the black fire in us,
That make us burn in defeat.

Androphobia

Wonder if the Road to Perdition,
Bypasses that of Salvation.
Or what evils might wrought,
My way - more.
Wonder, how many crossroads,
Must I stand at?
Looking at the blinding sun-
With eyes half shut.
Faith seems a brittle word,
An embodiment of irony-
The feeble mind.
Easy to break,
Easy to shake-
Footsteps falter in its gruesome shade.
Androphobia, now, impinges the tiny brain-
A new dimension to the otherwise insane.
Pictures, words, images,
All fall mundane-
As the spirit saps the journey,
Of its own vigor.
The ears have shut out all noise-
Silence regains its own independence.
Retrospective,
The scared and tarred soul,
Cowers under the weight of its own loss.
It's more than a sign of life gone-
Rather, the sign of awakening seems amiss too.
Do ends and new beginnings always remain divergent?
Yet their direction parallel to the cross-roads?
The face covered in wreaths of black-
Await the scavenger on its hunt.
Wishing, for it to shred it more-
To pieces which may find its unity with earth-
To be enmeshed wits,
With the brown soil.
Stamped on by more footprints' onslaught,
Careless in their onward journey.
Barren the desert,
Where the figurine stands,
Reflects how her life shapes up now.
No oasis in sight
For some peace-
Only a mirage of faint hopes.
Wonder where joy had run off to-
Forsaking the pearls but leaving empty shells instead.
Long for the known touch,
To revive and set fire once more-
To the childish inner being;
Yet life had moved on faster,
Than anticipated
And the figurine in black,
Must acquiesce to the end too.
For it's for another's smile-
That the end must mark a new beginning
In the other's life.
For that,
One must choose solitude-
And let words drown in silence.
The shackles must impede advance-
The figurine must love the chains.

Daylight

So when you look at the night sky,
Its serene black beckons out to you.
You wish you had wings,
And long to fly-
Touching its mystique velvet.
You imagine breathing in the purity
Of the silvery moonshine-
Letting it soak and seep into you.
The light helps to give you the warmth-
That you need-
When all is cold-
And all hopes are sold.
Stars twinkle along their magical spokes-
Piercing the dark with their smiles.
You long to touch the jagged edges-
And see the blood pour.
A sign of life-
Much awaited.
You feel old-
As youth's innocence falls away-
Slowly, leaving the lines sharper,
And the dry skin luminescent.
You trace patterns,
Along the blue veins that show up stark-
Waiting for the burst,
As you pierce the ends.
Absence or presence,
Do little to negate-
The mercurial thoughts,
That pile up as bile.
You think about the meaningless endlessness of it all.
Feeling empty,
You drain the bottle empty too.
Hoping that it would enable you to,
Lose your mind.
You think deeply about-
What all is there to leave behind-
Except some scattered footsteps,
In their aimless sojourn?
You sigh,
Longingly-
And then hush it all -
The inner voices as they converse secretly.
You let your soul go numb-
As the void settles in deep.
To see or not to see,
Must supersede to be or not to be.
You miss the effigy so dear,
But you know you must let go-
Of what's not yours,
Nor shall ever be.
As paths are divergent,
And so are the ways of mind.
You cannot hold onto something,
That refuses your ownership.
Let go and set it free-
Let the other soul fly high,
In its journey towards its own light.
With you,
It's just a shared space in darkness-
Abstract and absolute in its
Warpath of shunning the sun.
Away- it must shine brighter,
As its destiny becomes clearer-
By the daylight.
You let go,
Watch it make its way home-
Smile with all the tenderness of truth-
And wish it well in life.

The Condom Song

As the fever shoots up,
And the thermo-meter stats show temperatures insane-
All my fevered brain wants,
is to collapse and be bygone.
All my thoughts run in spiral webs-
Ruminating on the errs that wrought the human decibel.
Strange how the known becomes a stranger-
In a matter of seconds.
Dreams turn their backs on you-
As you're lost in your own wonder-
At how foolish you were-
To trust the same game.
Matter of hearts-
Bound to change-
Most remain double minded-
Choosing hypocrisy over truth.
Use and throw-
Like condoms sans protection.
The penetration is ugly as it leaves its foul mark.
I reach out for the cup of green tea getting cold-
Hunger seems dissipated from mind, body and soul.
Blank eyes stare at dead walls-
Tearless the jerks of mind - twerk about.
Tasteless the tea is thrown aside-
Just like a familiar face I greet in the mirror everyday.
Fetal position, I lie balled up-
My hedge against the ledger of brutality.
Questions rage on-
Did an honest smile deserve the charred ruins?
Perhaps did-
In this dog-eat-dog world,
Using condoms the wrong way seems legit-
Guilt-free indulgence and then confession booth training.
The spineless runs back to the known arms
To proclaim the sins of having diverted-
Unmindful of the sordid damage wrought
On the frail soul left behind.
Saving and reviving seem to light up paths to life-
Not living -
Life is just a journey where you meet people
As lessons mostly.
Dogs bless you-
There's no God above to hear your cries.
You try to wipe off memory instead.
Alone in your universe,
You fight your way through-
You falter- used and broken-
But law states that one must rise up too.
Surely, but at what cost?
A soul-dead weight walking on earth
In its lonesome song?
Rivulets break free-
Of  the kohled constriction
As the jagged ends seem more painful-
With every minute,
Existence seems unbearable.
As the smoke rises up in ashes-
Sometimes, you pray for your end
To be near too.

Lies

The world did change in  just two days,
Maybe the full face of lies had to met -
Head-on.
Bearish, maybe mulish,
The golden moments-
Now seem like shards to walk on.
Yet another end.
Yet another last laugh given away.
Trusting lies and walking on fire-
The heart is stripped bare and soul numbed.
Maybe the speech dumbed down too-
Died and frozen in time.
Weary bones carry the tiresome weight-
Irksome seems existence as it shrouds-
Meaningless.
No world without the spark of joy-
No life without the beat of a heart much unknown.
Fickle minds and cold fingers-
Reach out to scrunch me within-
Watch me die as the blue veins burst forth with crimson.
Weak and beyond comprehension,
The stooped body sinks to the ground.
No fight left
As the one much loved-
Berates and becomes quite belated.
Elated the clown looks on-
Perhaps the only shot at happiness
Did the old lined face get in her wasted years.
Sadistic bubbles burst forth-
Wrecking, heaving with spite-
They spill across to form a lake-
As the spirit drowns in its liquid ether.
Pain seems a faraway concept now-
Just that trust seems dissipated from all human form.
Careless, you mark your gait
With marked insouciance.
Without a backward look,
You leave my world shredded in your lies.
Can't believe the folly-
Yet not much unknown its familiar twinge.
Should I look back with love
And respect- that I'd always promised you?
Or should I treat all your broken promises
As your truth-
While the scars burn deep-
At your holy grail left behind.
May the fire kill my conscience-
May it be rendered blank and lost in abyss-
All the broken chords
Which we had sung once
As our song.
The innocent eyes could not
Scorn you-
For it's her habit to love and lose.
Just another day-
In the deadened soul's life.
So many questions had raged through-
None voiced to still respect the space,
Your silhouette stood at.
While the clown laughed on in conceit.
The moist eyes had looked on-
In wonder at the idiocy that the clown was-
In flesh and blood, it seemed a life-sucker.
Hands tightly balled in pockets,
Had itched to hit out at the protrusion
Of deceit.
It's love's labor lost and it's strange power,
That had beseeched my senses
When I'd fought for control
And urged myself to hold on a minute more-
Stare a little while longer at the much unknown eyes.
Eyes that the lips had fervently kissed-
Bleak eyes that looked at the figurine-
Merciless and stormy-
Pigeonholes worth poking pencils at.
Was this how it should have ended?
Without warning and some shared respect?
Carry on, the one who knew nought
The word of love.
It's too pure
For imbeciles to mostly forgo-
As they seek convenience spine-less-
Rush back home to known hearth-
Crushing hearts that are meant to die.
Funny how life mostly throws cowards
Along the way.
Men, who cannot stand up
For their belief-
As they choose what they're told to-
Pointed out the rights as they hurriedly shun the wrongs.
So easily they attribute purity to sin and weakness-
The girl must always suffer-
The perils.

Home

An empty mind,
Reminds of the long winding path,
Left behind-
And all the smiling faces that bear no spite.
Fragments of old memories,
Come back as whispers
That hang-
Now suspended in disbelief.
Happiness was there then-
In life-
Unsought- un-treasured.
Now, as I see all my cloudy castles crumble,
I yearn for the warmth of my known hearth-
That perhaps bore the only heart I'd ever known.
Yet- I remain confused-
As to what is it that I miss exactly,
When oft I let my thoughts drift homewards-
My cynical eyes,
See a purpose behind all reason.
I know I long for the comfort of my own space-
The sanguine tranquility
That would make me trespass my own nostalgia.
The walls would reel back-
All the peals of laughter,
Shared with my brother so loved-
As would project all images of horror-
We struggle to delete.
Dormant emotions,
Make an attempt to shine again-
But scared conscience,
Reign them in.
Watching life and its many episodes
Crash around and pass me by-
Home, is where my heart aches to be-
Secure and tucked away
From everything
Sans expectations from the Sands of Time.
Or perhaps, forget about perils,
And cherish the innocence of the baby
Much adored and dreamt of-
Watching her grow up and spread her wings.
Poised to fly-
The poison of wait,
Is a regression that sets in a depression-
Where the booms and slumps
Become intense in their frequency-
As waves of longing clash all over me.

Archetypes

The duality of all strange moments,
Makes my head hurt with all the data stored.
As I rethink and replay-
Mind-map and piece together all comprehensions-
To arrive at a different conclusion each time.
Examples of truth and lies,
Color my auditory horizon -
The cynic-
Believes in none-
Yet the foolish in me wants to hold on.
Question arises - as to what-
For I see a sea of loss-
And an ocean of tears-
That would shatter all fall.
Truth begets truth,
I have heard -
When will the known face,
Change its colors-
And the real archetypes show in their gory glory?
Perhaps, I seek a rushed end-
To hush matters deep inside-
Suffocate the pensive pansy
My thoughts radar off to.
I seek a shelter-
Away from my own mind-
To run away from all my thoughts,
As they bleaken my self-worth-
The irony of the duality,
Irons my ire,
Yet iron clad brain-
Refuses to see past its blindness-
To the cool rays of logic-
That otherwise suffuse my heart.
Duality in mind too,
I waver-
At the shyness of incompletion-
Or mayhaps,
Its just a fear of being fooled and alone again.

Only You

Every moment spent together,
Is a lifetime earned in a heartbeat-
Precious and irreplaceable-
The memory pearls get brighter with
Images of us free and happy.
Everytime, our hands entwine,
Is life pulsating anew in me.
Our touch stretches across eons,
To other known and unknown terrains-
Where we must have been bonded before.
Two parts of one soul-
Twin pieces of one heart.
The smiles are real,
That touch eyes and reach to hearts,
Tearing through all facades-
And when I let my head lean,
On your support-
I see eternity stretch before me.
Curling up to you,
Is home for the lost-
Your hands, my shining beacon of light.
Love, is only what I know-
I feel for you-
Unbeknownst and careless of reciprocation.
Selflessness is a first and a primary drive -
That push me towards you.
To see your puerile joy-
Is my heart's utmost delight-
My prayers come true-
At the rumble of your laugh.
I dream of our days,
Together or navigation in solo-
Through time, space and its many possibilities.
Soul-soother you,
You bring me the spark I miss to complete me.
My mirror, where I seek my reflection-
And not afraid of the creases  -
When I look into your eyes,
I feel the ground sure beneath me
As you stand the tallest as my shade.
There is a reason for us to meet-
Either to complete or compete-
But I've never known a love
So deep.
Loving you-
Seems a religion almost,
As to you, I belong.
With passion so powerful,
And obstinance negating obstacles,
This crazy love seems a story of miracles.
Every thought bud of you,
Is a second savored in relish-
And a prayer uttered heavenwards-
Thanking eerie fate -
As you soon become the oxygen,
I fight for sustenance on.
Your hold on me-
Magical and indefinable in its strength.
Your presence in my life,
Is an affirmation of all goodness
That constitutes dreams.
The sun among all the stars,
You illumine my frail being-
Making it difficult each day-
To turn my back to my treasure-
And move along against the flow of the tide.

Counting Stars

Silent eyes look up pensively,
At the black clouds,
Scathing the black velvet of the night.
Faint starshine glimmers paths bright-
While yellow beams of the many bulbs,
Reflect back at the rain pools on the road.
The cool breeze whispers by,
Like a soothsayer,
Strangely soothing spirits sane.
White fingers hug the mug tighter,
Sipping more urgently at the hot black liquid-
Letting it slash in through to her gut-
Warming her from within.
Squaring shoulders,
The faintly moist eyes,
Stare harder at the empty stones,
Looking for shadows.
The clock in the distance,
Strikes a 3 at dawn-
The blackness gains a blue ring-
As crows begin spreading their wings.
A half smile at the food untouched-
Like so many nights now,
Purple soled feet rise from the stairs,
And make way in through the door unlocked.
Alarm set for 6,
Head rests against the pillow-
Yet wild thoughts run amok.
A queer serenity bestows its light sheen on the form,
As the many ponderings, start counting stars.
The sated mind states the small moments of joy-
Captured and cherished-
As the real plays the reel-
At an unhurried pace when time freezes in its own gravity.
With closed eyes now,
And a lingering smile,
Cocooned in gratitude,
Of some precious time spent-
With the one so loved.
The soul feels lighter,
And expects nothing more-
Refuses to look forward to the bleakness ahead-
That must await as an eventuality.
But prefers to live by love,
Through the moments earned now.
Absence creates a void deeply felt
And an emptiness that becomes a physical handicap.
But when logic prevails,
It tells, that it must be so-
Like this- later-
And that one must get used to its sting,
And not think.
A conscience acts as a fulcrum now,
With a selective bias,
Gleaning the happiness to be used as cud-
When ruminated on later in the deep.
But sorrow or its greyness feel distant-
As the fulcrum chooses to believe
That life must go on
Sans expectations worth shattering.
Happiness bubbles in the spirit now,
As its glow radiated from every pore-
Surety of the 'now' beseeches the core-
And that's mayhaps all that's required anyway-
When sustenance is not what the inner being seeks.
For the choice was never in the hands of the fulcrum's.
It all lay elsewhere-
In another's hand-
To be vested or wasted at will.
But ironically,
The shards of all such broken thoughts,
Pierces none.
As in actuality,
The mind seems quite made up-
To travel a year later-
And not pay heed to much
What catches the ear,
Or the eyes see anymore.
For belief is sanctimonious-
And faith's handle parsimonious.
The sanctity of age too,
Isn't vintage-
Logic must address foolhardiness-
As the steps must drift into oblivion.
To be returned not-
But remembered with pride and a smile-
With love of a beloved.

White Flag

Sometimes,
As I lay my hurting head
On the pillow-
And let loose my locks.
I ponder about the travesty of tryst.
Worry creases the brow,
As eyes glisten with the fate unwarranted.
Is it all worth the ride?
Staring at the hopeless mortars
Of the crumbled wall-
Where my soul met with its dead end.
Pieces of grey and soot-
With minced bricks,
Pierce senses into an unpleasant lull.
Sometimes,
I let my eyes overlook
The debris.
As I find a new spot in the wall-
To focus energies on.
Yearning for some fortified hope-
With pearls of positivity,
That seems so elusive today.
Wonder what's the happy giggle like-
Which was aplenty when young.
As the years pass,
And the moments melt into nothingness-
Life seems unproductive and jargon-laded.
Potholes and pool,
Where infest the evil,
Stare with their mouths open,
Tempting the great fall.
I let my mind-
Forcible wander-
To other planes where perhaps colors reign.
Lose myself in my own spasms of Moksha,
Which I summon to end the greys.
For I cannot always choose the middle path
To walk on as life passes me by.
I must select a time for the end-
Which must bring peace to this fever.
I cannot always let my ego be hassled,
When the id only plays second fiddle,
Trust caressed and shattered by the other shadow-
As panes of a known face seem strange.
I raise my hands-
Wave the white flag-
Of surrender and serenity-
My mind thirsts for a burst of Nirvana -
A callous indifference to all deeds.

Atlas did Shrug

Knowing my nuances,
That test elasticity,
You've always stood still -
With your eyes watchful.
You've seen  me fly -
Defying gravity -
And you'd kept your distance -
Along another shore,
Where our eyes would always meet,
But we'd lead concrete paths divergent.
It's mayhaps,
Not the surety of thought
Rather the presence of void -
Makes us avoid absence.
We seek shelter,
In our tunnel -
Where we see the silver light,
Brimming in its luminous intensity.
Rimming darker clouds -
Eroding the dark within.
Leaning on you,
As a pliant vulnerable reliant,
I let you shoulder my burden.
For the time being,
I say to me,with a deep sigh.
For the time being,
I let you illumine my reasoning.
We let loose the canons,
To open our Pandora's Box-
Of secrets within,
And broken hopes.
Our own fragility,
Strengthens our touch.
You steady me,
As I crumble.
You hold me dear,
As in the dark, I tumble.
You let my foot-steps,
Find a hold.
Home is coming back to your essence,
Away from the hurtful ways of the wise world.
I feel alive in my own femininity,
Not afraid of the cascading tears that
Forms the deeper pools of kohl.
In your arms,
Finally I let loose,
All that's pent-up,
Wasted time and it's empty moments.
Rotten pearls and yellowed fragments of memory.
Lighter, as sobs escape-
I crawl back to my being-
Comfort-ridden in my crabby cocoon.

Faithless

Wrapping her shawl tight,
Around her frame,
She walked on at her usual brisk pace.
Eyes focused ahead -
And hat tightly in place.
She longed for the burst of yellow-
To chase away the gloomy greys.
The sky seemed laden with heavy clouds-
About to pour.
Footsteps crunching on the gravel,
Leaving prints that showed a determined gait-
She marched on-
Towards the gate.
Home, she thought-
Soon I'll be home-
Tucked away from the ferrous eyes of the world,
Pigeon-holed in her solitude.
Single in the city.
She stayed aloof.
Her normal bubbly self -
Sharply distant and curbed.
Watchful and cautious,
She let her cynicism guide her way through.
Trust seemed frail-
As all she'd loved,
Left her in waxed pieces-
Solitary in their blazing trail.
In her mind, she'd reached her end-
Of hopes,  dreams , wants and expectations.
All seemed a curious dead end-
As she felt no reserve of strength
To fight her way through anymore.
She's given up-
On her own path of life-
As the way fell into a smooth flow-
Her current holy grail-
Day in and day out.
The erstwhile joy on seeing cherubs-
Now faded away to a sharp jab,
A tug at her heart,
A streak of anger
And an increasingly embedded melancholy.
She wished she'd not changed much-
Or met her man who'd been a lesson-
To lessen her and her sprite.
To diminish her own self-pride
And leave her begging at the hands of fate.
Yet, she believed in no destiny.
But had no choice.
For her, the wait was over-
As she'd forced herself to accept the inevitability.
She lived with love and its ashes,
Wishing for it to fade and zoom out.
Yet she knew she was done for-
Her road to perdition had ended long ago-
And she would always have to live with a
Smoked salvation on following her heart.
In defeat, she felt her head hang low-
As she let her mind possess her sanity.
All seemed metallic and cold ton her-
People , peers and places-
Remote and wonderless,
As she walked on-
Faithless.

Run@way

I run away
From everything dear.
From everything that speaks of bonds-
As it creates bondages.
I run away in my mind-
From you-
'Coz it's you to whom I belong.
But who must hurt me again.
Isn't that the natural path-
Of decease and its disease ?
I move away-
From the mist of magic-
Its sultry in its seduction-
That traps me in its honeycomb.
I succumb-
To the cyst of logic-
That's killed my wombed dreams-
Shattered shells lie trodden.
Trust on tryst lies misplaced,
As destiny and fate seem hollow words,
To me.
We had to meet-
Only to part, I feel.
I try to barricade myself,
From your advance-
Your embrace completes me.
I long for the shelter your arms give,
The surety your presence imparts-
But everytime our eyes meet -
My eyes stray to the imaginary clock ticking by-
Counting seconds-
Counting stars.
I am lost in your glow-
Pulled to you like a moth to a flame-
But do fireflies burn in their own fire too?
I feel sated-
With you.
Yet back of my mind-
I stare at days of without you.
It's hard, for me-
To see life sans you.
But that seems an inevitability-
Which we cannot escape.
We say the three words of love,
With all the truth that we can muster.
We look deep into each others' eyes-
As we breathe in the scent-
Wishing time stood still.
My long winding path of life,
Seems hazy and blurred ahead-
As the only concrete I could ever see-
But for my own sanity,
I have to see that crumble too.
I would not want to pick up the pieces ever.
The pain seems to be an iridescent part of me already.