Incognito

Green tea and I have become
Quite good friends, I must say.
Incomplete the taste buds,
Gnaw at nights, when unattended to.
Craving- this must be it-
For the warm liquid to give relief.
It's my thought time,
Sipping on the sake-
As I watch the leaves swirl by.
No crystal ball,
Still I gaze into them-
Like a loony cow, lost in grey meadows.
I wonder what the future holds.
All images once dreamed of-
Would they just be an expectation of me?
Or would I be able to translate all imaginings to reality?
In my world, as much as I may love others,
I guess, I love me the most.
Yet dreams, ambitions collide with a sense of responsibility.
Towards what- I don't really know.
Not my folks- they're used to me being a free bird.
I love them- mostly from  afar,
Scared of excess proximity.
I watch Avik,
Marveling at his courage-
To be voluntarily jobless in a world like today,
And giving form to his dream.
I cannot-
Love money too much and the freedom it gives me.
But is it not a chained freedom -
For the butter that wets my bread-
Is unloved and uncared about.
I see my brother-
Like me-
Adrift in currents,
Awaiting the right tide at the right time.
I look at you too,
Whom I love so true.
But at times,
I seek to place your fragile form
In a mantle much beyond my grasp-
As I remain scared of my own shadow
To darken your world in any way.
Try to push you away thus-
Mayhaps, it's all a mistake.
I am not anyone one should be with-
Or desire for I have nothing.
Can't give anything.
I long to break free thus-
Fly outward- away from human contact-
Live life incognito-
Unknown-unsought.
I care not about the conventionalities of life-
Marriage, babies, old age-
They aren't for me.
I am not cut out for any such trust.
Too much of a wanderer in mind-
I try to fathom out a career path,
That might carry me somewhat.
Yet ensconced in a meager comfort spot-
I shy away from distance.
I don't have faith in numbers-
Words are jargons mostly.
I try to know me-
Through me-
In my silence,
In my defence.
But blank walls stare right back at me-
When I probe inwards-
To know what I want exactly.
Green tea makes me mellow-
Soothes the aching throat.
I wonder if life itself,
Has made me shallow?
Am I too far away from,
Whom I imagined me to be?
Or who I had made myself to be?
Somewhere, it's all a blur-
The line of control,
Between definite and dreams.
Mostly, I think about cutting it all short-
Flying away - much afar.
Is it all worth it?
The slow death every time?
Or is the show really an example of courage-
When passion must bid an exodus.
But what blasphemy is this epiphany-
When ethereal sought remains ephemeral?

Cobwebs

Looking at you,

I yearn to remove the cobwebs.

And give you the strength to carry on-

Yet frozen remain certain movements,

Alarmed at the alacrity of turns.

Sure of the umbrella truth,

Yet granules are heavier to absorb.

Wish I could turn all obtuse absurdity,

To a defining philosophy of harmony.

Yet, if reality, were to reveal itself,

It will come undone with it's grim sad eyes.

Watchful of any fall,

But half-alive with a sinking feeling in gut.

No, it's not a happy place to be in-

For me and you.

Sorrow etched on both faces,

As lines of resignation to the flow-

Fighting and fighting on -

For what's right?

But, if I may ask-

Right and wrong,

Who decides?

It's what feels correct to comply and compound.

Yet, happiness is not a state of mind.

And it shall never be so.

Given all that is there to lose out on.

I tell you, to choose your path to joy-

Peace, or whatever you know of it.

Am I enough to symbolize the sum?

In my eyes, I don't see it as a sin-

What's happening is what is written in the stars.

But you and I are different-

I am hard and coarse-

You are far more emotional and emoting than me.

Must you be jaded so?

I cannot be happy-

As I know you aren't.

Plus, it's inner ethics, cringing at the turns.

This is not me-

Not what I imagined anything to be-

In life and love.

Much against my identity,

The signage of times, 

Goes past a fast blackening point.

Blurred ends zoom out larger-

This is not what I could have wanted ever.

I feel for a certain  little one.

And no matter what,

I can be there for it too - if ever.

But that's not my district of justice,

I have to adjust to what meager will feel just.

Actually, in all this,

I am not me.

Neither you.

But with each other, we're real and true.

I shall hold back nothing that you deserve-

Even if it goes against my own dreams.

For love remains supreme,

As my path of life-

And not a warpath.

It's an inner conflict,

Of questioning irony or the worth.

Guilt and shades of remorse,

Honestly mars any joy.

It's your smile that I fight for.

But have I killed it, already?

Who am I really, to wreck peace in your world?

I shrug, not getting any answer.

I cannot look away,

It's straining you.

How can I not see that?

I wish, oh, I so wish-

That this was not the way anything was meant to be.

This is not me.

Touch

Not sure of where to start,
As, for the first time,  words seem to escape me.
The weightage of all that I feel-
Overwhelming.
I see my house now-
With a rekindled wonderment-
Awe at your touch.
It looks like a place to live in-
Than just exist.
All the changes that you've brought-
Could possibly make me a better person.
Always aloof and distant,
Not expressive or emotive-
I had always been aware and afraid of your presence.
Yet now,
I crave it,
When absent and in void.
The luminosity of your soul-
Sears through me now-
Like a knife-
Carving out a pathway for rivulets.
Retreating to the cocoon
That your love had brought-
As we traveled to a new horizon-
Of azure blue sky and cotton clouds;
I feel turtled and hedged.
I do know, that your touch is ever-present,
In my life and dreams,
I just need to reach out for it.
But how much valued is a physical presence,
In contrast to a memory?
Bits and pieces shared-
Treasured, as I revealed some,
To your concerned eyes.
I know the reasons for which you live-
And I feel incapacitated,
Not being able to shine in your eyes.
Intent and act remain divergent thus-
Unknowingly, the rift drifts.
I miss the reassurance,
Of your wisdom and technical support-
To an otherwise hapless and careless.
I think of days left-
Fearful,
Of what all I need to yet achieve-
And hope that time doesn't run out on me.
In my world,
I want to live your dreams.
See the world with you-
And through your eyes.
Show you both,
Life in wonder-land
In it's multi-rayed and hued beauty.
Words have always been a poor testimony,
To all that I mean to do or say.
I would only wish for the sand-timer,
To stay frozen.