Broken Wings

Almost at the edge   

                                                                                                                   ,

Of cross-roads-

I stand in black-

Bent and weary.

The grey sky scowls down-

As hapless as my mind.

All seem distant to me-

Suddenly.

What I valued or loved-

All seem deadened by the blow.

I take a step forward,

My feet crunching

The bitter shards of the brittle hopes -

A masochistic smile crosses my

Expressionless face.

Driven to self-despair,

Almost at the point of no return,

Suddenly I find no need to 

Clutch onto the empty straws.

There is nothing left to lose.

Nothing left of me to give-

Anymore.

There is no happy tune to be sung,

On broken wings.

Pushed and pulled to the extreme-

I find no solace in company.

The artificiality of the ways of the world,

Humor me.

I feel no-one near me-

As I push the closest away.

I chase my own shadow,

Alone in my mind.

Why does every moment

Have to be so hard?

I long for someone to comfort me-

Yet all seems like condolence messages-

As I stare straight at the ghouls in the eye.

My mind charts out its own escape route,

The rivulets of red flows on ceaseless.

I try to give a vent to my core-

But words elude me.

I am left dangling-

Hanging in my own illusion.

As the 'zombies' wage their war,

In my empty head.

Harsh

Do you miss me at all,
Now that I am gone-
Without a whisper-
Without a trace.
Do you feel any charred void-
In your chagrin-
Or just a sordid indifference-
Of my absence.
Do you feel whole again-now-
With your eyes alight in relief-
A zealous guardian of your space and time?
How deep do the wounds run?
How far are we scarred?
Every time ours paths criss-cross,
We mar each other-
Our words of pain and agony,
In their trail,
A bitter aftertaste.
Push and pull-
Erode and corrode,
The fast diminishing breathing space.
In the place of love,
Animosity digs in its ugly roots.
As our love bites dust,
Grinds to the ground,
Do you smile your twisted smile?
You have moved on-
I am stuck in my same.
How far ahead are you?
Wont you look back at me-
A downtrodden self-
Fallen fast from,
That mantle you had placed me,
High on.
What made you so heartless,
What defined the harshness of your actions?
Veiled contempt-
Barely hidden in your eyes-
You had looked at me then-
Cold eyes marking out your own-
Solitary territory.
Your hand never reached out
For mine.
Your eyes were not the caress,
That were mine before.
Feelingless- you kicked me out-
Expecting me to find my own,
Hunted way back.
Regain strength in my faded glory.
Maybe I shall.
When I stop my need of you.

Fallen Glory

Night brings the loneliness,
Solitude resplendent-
Fallen glory,
My thoughts turn to you.
Past merges with the Present,
As Future looks grim and bleak.
Faded dreams,
In tatters-
Hopes in blue rings of ash-
Settle all around me.
The butts pile up-
As the shots reach a fever pitch.
I try to wipe off the image of you,
From my brain-
Your scent- lingers in my blood.
Passively pensive,
 I watch in my mind's eye-
The happy past streaming by.
All that remains-
Are broken smiles.
You may have been the victor,
In this battle against Fate.
Yet do you feel the sticky sweetness
Of your ugly joy tonight?
Do you at all-
Turn back to watch me-
Or have you really been so heartless-
To turn your back to me-
And watch me die slowly?
An ache- a void- consumes me-
My palate is bitter.
Devoid and barren-
I feel distant from my own self-
As my self-belief is left shaken.
The core of me is repelled-
Appalled- at the inevitable.
Yet I force myself to live on-
Exist ceaselessly in insouciance-
Living in pain-
Living in the past.

Cold

The lines of real and unreal,
Fade away into oblivion-
Cold fingers grip my heart,
As the numb finger tips cradle
A cold coffee cup.
The hard eyes- devoid of emotions,
Stare across the miles,
Turning the pages of HIStory.
Wondering - Pondering-
Wandering.
Amazed at the mazes,
That had been woven for so long.
Questions linger-
The more comprehension
I seek,
The more entrenched I get in the selfish muddle.
Lips pursed- in a blue line.
Code red flashes in my brain.
Logic and Love act at loggerheads-
To believe or not to believe.
Cold winds rustle my mind-
Yet refreshing nothing-
But throwing me deeper in thoughts.
I wish I could turn back time.
'Coz despite the confounding twists and turns
Of an empty fate-
My happiness remains tied with You.
The 5 years,
Seem nothing but fake and hollow today-
Yet a chunk of me,
Reasons against reasons-
To be still in love with it all.
No hope- all say-
I want to believe-
That the man I had believed above All,
Would still love me deep in his heart.
But he acted like his biological self-
And gave it away- to someone else.
My sorrow- knows no bounds-
Just now settled in a cold slumber.
My eyes, search for his face-
In the crowd.
But hopes despair-
What I cherish - now must perish.
'Coz he had killed it all.
He killed me with him too.
Killed my belief in me-
As my faith in faith itself.
I wish It were not so-
And he could be a man
Cold- dumbs my senses.
I am still in love with him.

Opprobrium

Tearless, I close my eyes.

As numbness besets my mind.

Weakness corrodes my senses,

As the shambles of all,

That I held dear-once-

Jar all around me.

The breaking pieces-

A crescendo of the wailing banshee.

Silent screams reverberate -

They echo around my hollow inner being.

No longer, can I feel, 

The bright fake spark of Optimism,

Ignite in me.

No longer, 

Can any facade 

Spur me on.

Broken, I back-trace my pace,

Knowing all roads lead to that dead end.

The kohl runs free now.

Devoid of its obloquy.

Chained to my solitude,

Remorse-struck,

I blame me,

For this grief-

That holds me a prisoner-

In its ignominy.

There could not be a last goodbye-

Nor even a last glimpse-

Of that smiling face,

That had instilled so much faith.

There could not be 

The last gun salute-

Of a man fiercely worshiped-

And a grandfather endeared.

The growing up years,

Of the many hues,

Illumined by His presence-

Wizened by his strength.

His words fill me now.

Take me in - down under.

The passage of years,

Crash by over me- 

Breaking and Shattering,

Into a million pieces-

All brittle- the cherished memories.

In my mind,

I refuse to disbelieve my childish belief,

In his existence still,

On that chair and desk-

Spreading knowledge all around.

The trophies that  adorn the walls,

The books that line the shelves-

Gather rust-

They miss the touch too,

Like his many disciples tonight.

My angst runs down in endless rivulets,

As I brood silently- 

Ruing the distance.

That separates Time, Space and Agony.

Stigmatized, I await the unwinding,

Of the second's hands-

Into more of its nefarious mysteries.

Lamenting the Loss,

I am no longer Me.

I am a bereaved mourner in Black-

An effigy of self-reproachment.

Disoriented.

Its no longer the green notes,
Nor the pocket  tones -
Its no longer the thrill of freedom,
Nor the peace with solitude.
Every day- is a disturbed reality.
Where the line between reel and real-
Seems to have merged solidly.
There's a chunk of me-
Amiss.
Not really sure of what
Or who-
Every day is a stretch of the monotony.
In itself- a minor agony.
Things I dream of,
With eyes wide open,
Places I see-
In my mind's eye.
None fictional.
All lived and laughed through.
I miss the greens and the rains-
Idle times over the coffee steam.
With smiles of the people,
I lovingly call friends.
I miss the music,
Your company could create.
The way the violin,
Would tug my heart.
The way your voice reverberated,
With all that you felt,
As the words uttered
Had the sharp sting of incision-
That could free the chains,
That shackled our emotions.
Crazy were those times,
When I pillion-ed on your bike-
Listening to revelations,
Letting the 'sleeping pill'
Take its effect on me-
Watching old sagging aunties hooting,
At your good looks.
The way we loved music and  lassi,
Fountainhead and  the fish family-
Riding on and on,
Unbeknownst of the hour-
Watching the moon sparkle
In the night sky.
Times I sit and think back-
To those conversations under the moonshine.
Where we exchanged dreams,
And traded paths of filter.
How your glasses would gleam-
With the zeal you could share with me.
The gravity of the words-
Tempered with your well-known humour.
Letting the waves caress  my feet,
I watched you with her.
And knew all that you felt.
Amidst so many,
I knew you felt so lonely.
I had let my gaze linger,
Wishing that the thoughts would
Somehow magically transform
 Into words which only she could hear.
Many a times,
I had known when you had
Let silence close the distance.
Yet among us all,
You had been the gem-
By far.
In my mind flashes,
The first day you walked into class,
With the ponytail and shining specs.
A nerd , I thought-
Happy to be proven wrong.
Time and again,
You've been there,
As my solitary pillar of,
Strength, belief and support-
When the umbra of the tides,
Had been too much to tackle-
All alone.
With gratitude, I look your way-
As my anchor- keeping me rooted.
This bond, strengthens,
With each day-
As a part of me-
Etched, ingrained-
Vintage- in its essence.
I let my thoughts remain,
In your direction.
At the memories of
You and Me.
The way we could
Always feel at one-
Despite the distance.
I could never feel more alive,
Than when with you-
When you would always lead the way-
With my hand in yours.
Or laugh into my eyes,
Mostly at me.
The way you set the floor on fire,
With all eyes your way.
The way we would
Dare to dream-
And craft the divergence
To converge,
At a time and space-
Suitable to our pace.
So long had we,
Encrypted our own brand of humour-
That even with others-
I yearn for  that sly spark and sheer wit.
Our knowledge of each other,
Runs deep-
With which we choose to love and hurt-
Yet treasure it all-
As a seamless part of Us.
Disorientation thus mocks me,
At every hour-
When I think back,
To my missing pieces.
My jigsaw puzzle thus,
Remains incomplete.

For my Ol' Man.

So long had I,
Associated that,
With the scent of you.
Back in those innocent days,
When that smell-
Would symbolize your proximity.
Each night at nine,
Would run to greet you-
To embrace that smell-
That drew me to you.
Heralded your resonance-
In me.
Acceptance without questioning-
Was the inevitable part in me-
Unconditionally.
My 'id' would drive my need.
As I hunted all over-
For the smell of you,
In your absence.
As wisdom came with age,
And I knew the source of it-
I had never stopped you-
As the sadistic part in me-
Would continue its search-
Repulsively-Compulsively.
Not intoxication-
Not even an addiction-with its serrated edge.
Its just  my re-connection  with my roots.
As I stayed away-
Strayed farther-
I would still be reliving the smell,
That would often linger on your fingertips-
When you chose to be close to me.
Its all etched in my mind-
A picture of the past-
Kept away callously-
In that ash-tray.
The smoke's the ghost that keeps you close.
An efficacy of the effigy-
That-though tainted- refuses to be sordid.
I smell it all about me now-
As I stir the ashes myself-
This time.
While the thoughts continue,
To haunt with its taunt.

Amour.

Somewhere, as the road forks,
Over to the shadow lands
And the blinding turns,
I still travel the cobbled stones-
Up turned- bare-feet.
My arrhythmic steps,
Crafting their own pace-
Marching on- with their own beat-
No matter the jagged edges
And the jaded footfalls.
There seems to be
No beginning,
No end-
Of this path that I traverse now.
Uncontrolled-unhurried foot steps,
Race along with time-
The clock stands- as my solitary witness of accord.
Amour.
Its my zeal.
A new found, newly created identity.
Amour-
My only home-the address unchanged.
It beckons out to me-
To strive harder-
For that patience in its perfection,
Previously amiss.
It draws me to it,
Like a moth to fire,
As I watch with sinful pleasure-
The embers burning my fingertips.
Scars- seem mysteriously meaningless-
Now,
I watch the marks appear in their distorted forms-
As they spread their spidery scatter plots-
All across my mind space.
My red eyes,
Search for the dark pools,
Of the familiar brown,
That guide me to my freedom.
Chained- bound- till then,
Willing and able,
Lost in this curious contradiction,
Of black and white.
Grey- colors my reasons now.
I seek no form-
No definition.
No concrete abstracts.
Metamorphosis- catalyzes my motion now.
My thought buds,
Nascent- in their matured bloom.
Evolution- tinged with yellow.
Amour in my red.
I feel it,
Coursing in through me,
Its pulsating drum beats of disharmony,
Suddenly my joy.
Regression- seems sweeter,
Correlation - still stronger yet.
Mutuality- a defence.
Amour.
My shelter.
Still.
Against all odds.

Paper Trails

Paper trails-
Burnt ashes.
Lie smothering at my feet.
The embers spitting out the
Fire- my amber doubts aglow.
As I look down-
At the black remains,
With wonderment-
At what had caused me to chase thee.
My heart was never in it.
The empty papers speaketh words
Of hollow sweetness.
Of empty spaces.
Ka ching- Ah I hear it too.
But it all makes no sense to me.
As now I feel that I really,
Had not missed out on  much.
'Coz my heart was never in it.
Driven by a primal instinct-
I follow the trails too-
Like my other primates.
The spiral  bound dreams seem
So cloudless tonight.
The Steam- just empty gas.
My dreams of crystal-
Liquefy- as they bend to its pressure.
The ugly stench of burnt skin-
Of the many fingers-
That had touched the papers-
Invades my nostrils.
Closing down all my senses.
Not entirely defenceless-
I stare numb at the charred ruins.
"The paper holds their folded faces to the floor."
Yes- they tell me-
"Its a sin somehow-
That light is changing to shadow,
And casting its doubts-
Over all we have known."
But I beg to differ.
'Coz my my heart was never in it.
My dreams then  perhaps
Are of a land-
Where the speechless may unite and rejoice-
In a silent of accord-
Of a chord which lies heedless-
Today-
In the dreams of the 'Proud.'
But I can pay no 'price'
For my pride.
I have just grown away-
And beyond all its mesmerizing folly.
On the wings of the night-
I have flown away from the
Days of empty smiles-
Of the pale and the downtrodden-
The upper societal sections-
And their greens.
My hungry heart shall seek
What it desires.
'Coz my heart was never in it-
So far.

Transitions.

If you ask me why,
I've changed,
I cant give you,
A clear answer,
Except look away.
There are things,
I want you to know,
But I shall refrain,
From reducing them to syllables.
I dont want the
Look in your eyes to change.
I'm afraid again,
Of letting you in
Too deep,
Unsettling the arches,
Of my so called defences.
You know me too well.
Distance- seems more of a security
To keep at bay-all my confusions.
When all along,
Proximity raises phobia.
No more do I want to
Live in self-doubt.

Silence.

Engulfed by the icy winds,
So long,
Have I, given way to the passiveness,
Of my soul.
Rotting in negligence
Of my own voice.
Somewhere,
I had,
Lost my way.
I see it all now.
Clear- in the crystal clarity of the night.
There's been too much of silence
In me.
Waiting for the right moment,
To burst forth -
Pour out its rain and filth.
Crash ashore.
Beyond barriers
Of defiance.
And rise up,
In menace.
So long have I,
Longed to break
The shackles,
That had chained me,
To my empty past.
For me now,
Finally I feel,
That the time has come.
To eveolve-
Metamorphose,
Into a new state of being.
Be a new me.
Shed all skins of the old.
Look ahead-
With a clearer focus,
A sharper vision.
Retrospection, then,
Has given a brighter meaning,
To my silencio in solitude.

Tonight

Tonight, let me be,

Lost in the negativity of you.

Let my mind dwell,

On your shaded ways,

And jaded words.

Tonight, 

Let me hate you.

With a zeal-

As intense as  love.

Let me burn,

In the embers,

Of your ire.

Trapped in the contradiction

Of your absence in your presence,

Let me not find you, 

When I may reach out.

Let the darkness be my friend,

For tonight,

Let my lonesome ways,

Guide me.

To my own light.

Through the Rain

So long have we
Been used to the rain.
The cold winds,
Slapping thoughts,
To turn to reality.
The numbed senses,
Calmed.
Every time,
We had emerged-
Lighter - than before.
Faith and Trust
Had been personified-
In our stride.
Buoyant in our celebration,
Of  the Truth and its Rejuvenation-
Our days had  gained a new sheen,
Amidst all the needed redundancy.
The magical dream-run now
Is close to an end.
The final countdown,
Has begun its slow march
To the inevitable-already.
Days painfully numbered,
Dreams unwillingly crystallized;
The Distance greater-intensified,
Each time our eyes meet.
Passive in the
Illusion of our days so far,
We wait-
In anticipation,
To the New.
Yet a part of us-
Yearns to turn back the time.
The vivid moments captured,
Locked deep in our
Mind clocks.
Wary of what would follow,
In lieu of  proximity.
We step back-
Conscious-
Of our new roles.
As an innocuous  by-stander-
Watching the colours splash-
And paint renewed webs of thoughts.
Yet alert to all nuances,
That the forced subtlety would
Choose to hide.
Logic takes hold of us now.
The cold practicality-
Of needs and wants-
The blacks and whites,
Of the rights and wrongs-
Take a backseat-
In their cemented permanence.
Clarity in wakefulness-
Is what we now live by.
The choice had been long made-
When once lost.
Every step now taken,
Would have its cost.
But we hold on-
'Coz through  the rain-
We had learnt-
What would always
Make sense.
Empty though-
A road void of aim.
Yet its a phase-
A mere consolation.
Till the seeker finds solace again.

A Monster Called Boredom!!

Boring classrooms,
Result in mind pours.
Words spill out-
Out racing the ink flow.
Blue against white-
Bolder- faster.
Slashing out memories.
Criss-crossing through,
The dark blur.
Blurbs of thought bubbles,
Jump out of their restricted cloud space.
To be transcended into,
A logical whole.
The "makes no sense"
Part of me,
Gains some form.
Mediated by a
Monster called Boredom.
Mentally, I press,
The Delete Button-
On all my unwanted
Hazes.
Clarity is sought-
Hungrily by,
My parched mind.
I cleanse myself
Of all emotions-
Enabling them- defunct-
To cease to hurt me -
Anymore.
I feel pure-
Boredom makes me happy.

An Ode To You..

At times,
Its too much of a pain to bear -
The memoirs of my yester-years,
Flashes of all that
Which had always brought a smile,
Can now only
Be a testimony of my grief.
Remorse struck-
I wander lonely in mind,
Looking for a clue-
Any cue-
To absolve me of my guilt.
My sorrow pools dark-
In my eyes-
As I see your images.
Wishing yet again-
Time after time-
That I had seen you last.
Selfishly I had run away.
From all that had held dear.
Now I pine- for all that's lost.
Urge to hold onto the shreds-
Of the bitter pieces of my fate.
Shattered remains, mar my
Reality of today.
As I let my thoughts,
Cloud my vision.
Without you,
Its a deep void- unconquered.
Shall never be strong enough too.
My soul lies tormented-
As I let the rivulets flow.
My words try to out-pace them-
My means of expunging-
My only panacea-
To hope for some peace-
Within.

Oneday.. Someday...

So many things,
Bottled up,
Dying to break free.
Wish a name could define,
My mind prints.
But so many thoughts,
Run amok.
Tears pour down-
Dry.
Wish you were here-
To lead me away,
From all this farce.
Wish you really did exist-
As I paint out your image to be.
Is it my illusion then,
Of you-
Created by the cobwebs
Of my dreams.
Lucid- liquid-
They spill over-
My boundary of reality.
I imagine,
Sunshine lands,
Of eternal blue horizons.
As we cross all distances,
With hands held-
Eyes lovingly adorning,
All thorns.
You are,
Just a figment of my imagination.
Cleverly crafted,
To escape the fog-
That engulfs my vision.
Perhaps, I do want to
Live in self denial.
Negation of all odds.
Like a child-
Glued to the candy bar.
The ugly sweetness
Of the situation
Sucking me in.
One day soon
I'll draw out of this.
One day I'll get back
To my senses.
Hit back at my reality.