Yesterdays

Facing another yesterday
Of tomorrow-
Is a dread sitting ugly in the gut.
Complex and continuous,
It's erosion leaves mind-threads bare,
Hallmarking the slow-burning anger.
Wish to step forward,
And end it all,
As the space of 10-7,
Gets uncontrollably claustrophobic.
In this jeer,
There is derision and self-depreciation
As also treating emotions as enemies.
It's all a downhill slide,
The way to the bottom.
Lurking decay of faith,
Resignation the only relief.
As time runs out,
And slips out of the hourglass,
Panic settles in-
As the shadow stands in awe of loss.
Thinking about the voice and it's tonality,
Stress-buds swell up
As the broken neck hangs in defeat.

Distance

Caffeinated and sleepless eyes,
Stare at the vacant spot,
Pensive and reflective.
In fact, in the solitude of the night,
When silence reigns,
Do certain thoughts turn inwards.
The lasting hours of December,
Had planted the seeds,
That slowly finds shape as they bloom.
The germs of distance,
Has truly set in.
The wheels of motion,
No more steady in their pace.
This thought,
Derides the naivety,
Quite helpless- clueless.
Where us three are concerned,
I find a synthetic filament,
Submerging truth.
It seems that maybe,
I do butt in-
To create the chasm.
Have we grown older,
And beyond?
Is it a rift that's brought about,
A slight drift?
Perchance, it's not;
Nor even by design or thought.
But subliminal actions
Prove the thoughtless wise,
And reactions gain
The double edged doggedness.
Maybe the three pair of eyes,
See different destinies now.
Or that monotony,
Has set in
The decaying flames on the eons.
Is it again,
The mental angst,
That each suffers from-
That brings a distance
Devoid of persistence to be glued.
I cannot document
All that mulls and boils.
It's mainly a fear
Of unslept dreams wept on.
The tide of times,
Maybe remain unfathomably defiant,
To all dares and prayers.
I hope, we bridge the yawing gap soon,
Instead of staring at crumbles of our debacle.
Instead of stars,  be rather, stuck with chars.
I don't want our symphony crying out it's last note
In a yelp of unvented sorrow.
I believe,
It's only us too,
While the third remains steady and sure.
He loves and shows it,.
While it's us,
Foraying into
The non-negotiable depth,
Of misunderstandings
As we forage our regress
Through these years.
So, even a conversation,
Doesn't lighten burden-
We aren't the punchbags now,
So much.
Rather, it's a fair exchange
Of expectations real and words.
My present and all it's elements,
Maybe losing charm as it rests away
In it's facade.

Halo

Hello to my Halo,
You've hit me like a ray of sun-
Brightening my world,
Lightening my load
And enlightening me
Of the ways of life,
Like the Buddha in it's wise repose.
Treasuring the novice in me,
You led me away,
From all that rot,
To a world atop dreamy clouds.
A nurturer of the unsaid words,
You've heard my thoughts too,
Cherishing the beat,
As our hearts rhymed as they sang together.
And this completion,
Is a mark of self-acceptance.
I miss you, tonight-
But rest in security-
No matter what,
We both know what's love.
Comprehend it's blinding force.
Gladly, letting the noose tighten,
As it pulls us closer-
No matter, how afar.
Feel the truth beads ingrained in it,
As vows remain writ and engraved,
On our souls.
In you, I place my faith,
As my belief finds itself,
Spring back to the new found colors,
Of vibrant shades.
Who are you?
I've asked multiple times-
Only to be answered by silence-
Is it a solace?
The silencio leads me to delve deep-
Look into myself and introspect,
The 'me' wrt 'you.'
I don't see much in me to hold or attract-
Much less, foresee and foretell.
Yet, all I have tonight,
Is my love in it's rawest essence-
For you, always,
For all days.
I wish it to sheathe you,
Protect that smile in it's comfort.
As I lean on you,
And let you guide the way,
I cannot help but marvel,
At your beauty
And my luck,
To have come across you.
Everywhere, I look around,
I am greeted by your embrace-
Living aglow in your Halo-
All humanity falls paltry.
Meager-some, others seem-
Now, that I look back,
To all that had attractions for me,
Or to who,
I had found a mirage of love.
But reflecting your aura,
I feel addicted to your light.
Gravity can't pull me back to ground,
As rooted,I stand, by you,
Forever.
Your touch,
Awakened my senses,
As it brought me to my senses-
And looking at you now,
I smile, doubtless-
That I've found my angel
And how!

The Vox of God

I hear you afar,
Like the Vox of God,
As a hoax-
Like a shining beacon,
To one lost in
Malice n Wanderland.
Maybe the path remains curbed,
With all the road-blocks of
A deeply embedded anger.
That seems unconquerable-
Irreversible.
Irreplaceable.
The placenta with soul,
Abruptly tears,
As the monster consumes all inches.
Therein, a smile resmbles a jeer-
The Vox of God,
Has nothing much,
For me to hear.
It's faded and jaded-
Remote and robotic.
How can it save me-
As I need an interventionist,
To raise a dialogue,
With the monstrosity of anger,
And the confused.
It's like an OCD in the head,
As the  voices in my head,
Leave no stones unturned,
To steal my peace.
You call me crazy?
Well,that's not fair!
I am not an ordinary plain Jane-
To be entrapped in the honeycombed cells-
Finding that needle in the haystack.
I'm nothing in fact-
Quite vaporous,
Yet why hold on to me?
When clearly, I've lost hold of me.
Pillars define limits,
Which further define standpoints-
Must I succumb to any-
Or run away from the many-
Shades of bewilderment-
Of me, mine and I.
This monstrosity deteriorates.
Leaving no sign of sunshine.
It's only dark, black and sinister.
Yet, curiously,
A certain Stockholm Syndrome pervades.
I'm pally with this monster now-
It stays with me.
Like an unseen force,
Unsettling any truth.
Beggars can't be choosers now-
This is all and what I have.
Is it sanity or a semblance of vanity?
That's made me lose my ground now-
Whatever be it,
It's a burrow, where my truth may dig deep.
No point in saving me,
From me-
I'm gone gone gone-
Long gone
To a landless territory of my mind.
Somewhere where sleeplessness
Resides as a birthright -
As the monster burns bright.
The Vox of God,
Seems feeble too-
As I laugh at it-
Is the last laugh?
Neah- not the kind.
I need to be sound in mind.

That Kiss

So, when I close my eyes,
The image of your cherished face flashes.
In my mind's eye,
I see the hard contour soften-
Aglow with the silent magic,
Of being touched by love.
The velvet eyes,
Ooze out the warmth,
That one feels in
Sweet surrender.
It is that-
Surrender of defenses,
Of senses.
The fire catches up,
And dances in the soft brown eyes,
The glasses reflecting the magnified awe.
Clasping the fingers,
Known by the inches-
Grasping the stubbled face,
Much treasured-
My kiss seeks yours.
Meeting the rough edges,
I melt,
In your heart of  gold-
That signals your persona,
In it's wealth -
Enshrining your shine,
Cementing your essence.
My soulmate,
In fact, my sole mate-
In your purity,
Does my imperfection,
Carve it's completion.
Burying my head,
In your neck's cranny,
I let you shoulder my burden,
As I count the countless,
Lucky stars that bless our days.

Monstag

The first Monday of the year,
Is quite a looked down upon day.
With nothing to look forward to,
Existence itself quite pointless.
Black mind,
Mercurial mood
And suicidal thoughts,
Bear down on berry tea-
Firmly clasped.
No facade,
No motivation of even faking it,
Central focus is on the word "quit."
But will it bring peace?
Or just render  to pieces-
As mostly the debris of the soul,
Remain helpless-
So the blow might shatter more.
Yet what is peace and happiness anyway ?
All remote terms-
Equidistant in their opaqueness.
All then, one may think of is,
Some vein pumpers of giddiness.
A day where faithless,
Is but an allegory,
Maybe a junkie may have it's own day.
No escape from looking at the dreary grey,
The fog too reflects,as it symbolizes much.
5 days of no relief,
A scattered mind just runs helter-skelter-
Like that deer chased by the cheetah,
Searching in vain,
For a hope of shelter.
Stagnant days,
Dead and in daze,
It's a zombie's life,
Being re-told across the pages.
Hope be the dope,
Much at the end of rope,
The flicker finds itself,
Fading out fast.

Years

Looking at you,
From atop our stair case-
I could see so many years,
Flash through,
In that space of time.
Albeit, you looked,
Devastatingly handsome-
If I may,say so-
Yet I could not help,
But notice-
The lighter grey at temples
And in strands astray.
The broad shoulders,
Too looked reduced,
In their coated form-
While the much loved face,
Always so merry,
Looked more drawn.
My mind raced,
As it traced images of us,
With your big hand
Holding my much smaller one-
Tighter as  we'd walked without much talk.
I remembered all too well,
The silent fear of letting me leave,
A certain shelter you'd built
As an abode.
Was I always disobedient-
To everything you'd said with your eyes?
I do know I am selfish-
But now, that's led to real fear.
Of losing and a still-living.
I am afraid to let go,
As the years would scrunch,
The spatiotemporal dimension
That life may afford.
I wish I hadn't left then-
Life would have been so much simpler
For you
And me too.
Drawn lines,
Straight roads
And a path to run and re-run-
In mind, heart and feet.
I am too shy to voice out loud,
How much I do love you,
And would hate to hurt you,
In anyway.
But I do and will-
Given the turns that life seems wrought with.
So I cry-
Cry myself to sleep-
Guilt ridden of not making wonders work
And not achieving enough,
To be the star shine of your every desire.
I know, you'd want me to settle down
To a happy simple life-
But I am far too removed from all of that-
I still want to fly ,
Without anyone curbing my sprite.
But, age too shows it's nuances on me.
At 26, I feel older than my years,
And colder- much colder than ever before.
I feel none of the fire of love
For anyone anymore.
I will me to rise above and beyond-
Fly away to lands to live incognito.
But that's escapism right?
Maybe, that's what I have done
All along.
Run away from the first sign of danger.
You've never held me back-
For you knew that I would have run away,
Harder and faster.
Yet as I looked at you,
And looked on-
I could not help but wish,
That time could reverse-
And I could undo a lot of things.
I know there's time,
To say and do more-
Live the life you'd dreamt for me.
A nice boy, a nice house and lots of laughs-
Is that me?
That's the conflict-
Resonance and Dissonance.
Love and Life-
All so divergent to me.
Nothing remains in linearity
I see all in abstract absolute.
Life veins too seem shorter by the day-
And there's still so much to do.
Endless thoughts bring on the insomnia-
As they bear down on me as ugly dark circles.
I look nothing of what I had,
Even a couple of months back.
Have I changed too,
Losing me in the process?
Scared of the years ahead,
I cannot let go still,
Even in thoughts,
As I am unable to see much past
The shadow of doubt hovering like dark cloud.
I want the nest happy and full,
Home town glory,
Sacrosanct and wonder-filled.
As happy chirps and twitter must bless
The quarters still,
As the roses you've planted,
Must bloom in earnest.
Will that all be true?