Years

Looking at you,
From atop our stair case-
I could see so many years,
Flash through,
In that space of time.
Albeit, you looked,
Devastatingly handsome-
If I may,say so-
Yet I could not help,
But notice-
The lighter grey at temples
And in strands astray.
The broad shoulders,
Too looked reduced,
In their coated form-
While the much loved face,
Always so merry,
Looked more drawn.
My mind raced,
As it traced images of us,
With your big hand
Holding my much smaller one-
Tighter as  we'd walked without much talk.
I remembered all too well,
The silent fear of letting me leave,
A certain shelter you'd built
As an abode.
Was I always disobedient-
To everything you'd said with your eyes?
I do know I am selfish-
But now, that's led to real fear.
Of losing and a still-living.
I am afraid to let go,
As the years would scrunch,
The spatiotemporal dimension
That life may afford.
I wish I hadn't left then-
Life would have been so much simpler
For you
And me too.
Drawn lines,
Straight roads
And a path to run and re-run-
In mind, heart and feet.
I am too shy to voice out loud,
How much I do love you,
And would hate to hurt you,
In anyway.
But I do and will-
Given the turns that life seems wrought with.
So I cry-
Cry myself to sleep-
Guilt ridden of not making wonders work
And not achieving enough,
To be the star shine of your every desire.
I know, you'd want me to settle down
To a happy simple life-
But I am far too removed from all of that-
I still want to fly ,
Without anyone curbing my sprite.
But, age too shows it's nuances on me.
At 26, I feel older than my years,
And colder- much colder than ever before.
I feel none of the fire of love
For anyone anymore.
I will me to rise above and beyond-
Fly away to lands to live incognito.
But that's escapism right?
Maybe, that's what I have done
All along.
Run away from the first sign of danger.
You've never held me back-
For you knew that I would have run away,
Harder and faster.
Yet as I looked at you,
And looked on-
I could not help but wish,
That time could reverse-
And I could undo a lot of things.
I know there's time,
To say and do more-
Live the life you'd dreamt for me.
A nice boy, a nice house and lots of laughs-
Is that me?
That's the conflict-
Resonance and Dissonance.
Love and Life-
All so divergent to me.
Nothing remains in linearity
I see all in abstract absolute.
Life veins too seem shorter by the day-
And there's still so much to do.
Endless thoughts bring on the insomnia-
As they bear down on me as ugly dark circles.
I look nothing of what I had,
Even a couple of months back.
Have I changed too,
Losing me in the process?
Scared of the years ahead,
I cannot let go still,
Even in thoughts,
As I am unable to see much past
The shadow of doubt hovering like dark cloud.
I want the nest happy and full,
Home town glory,
Sacrosanct and wonder-filled.
As happy chirps and twitter must bless
The quarters still,
As the roses you've planted,
Must bloom in earnest.
Will that all be true?