You and I

As I sit in my pensive state,                              
My mind traverses through the meanders,
Of our criss-cross ways.
6 years worth of golden treasure,
Locked deep and tucked away tight,
As a source of secret pleasure.
There is a curious glow
All around me,
As I sit cross-legged,
Holding onto my vestigial sanity ;
And  dare reflect,
On our anomalous amalgamation-
So far.
Overriding the odds and the negatives,
An impish dimple crops up,
As I see the sepia vintage shine 'yellow',
In my mind's eye.
The first girlish  thrill in the spine,
As my eyes clashed with yours,
Across the dancing lights.
Senses ignited in that 'Sweet November'
You appeared many times hence-
While I waltzed away happily,
Merry in others' company-
Yet my hungry eyes
Seemed to have a mind of their own,
As they feasted happily,
Gnawing away at your frequent glimpses.
A little mature,
We struck a peace-less pact.
And so we traveled the treaty path
That changed us both,
To what our imagination
Had failed to conjure.
Made us tougher as beings,
Sensible, sensitive and yet
Desensitized to most around.
Faith reigned supreme,
Through all the glitches of distance,
The break put its foot down inevitably.
Yet somewhere a certain belief,
Never wailed in its shattered banshee-howl.
Many 'wise' say,
Nodding their blue heads
"Everything happens for a reason."
Maybe.
Or its epiphany in serendipity still.
Nevermind- my prayers were answered,
As the path chose you,
And brought you closer.
No matter the pitfalls in individual lives,
Am happy that we share them in 'real' time.
And everyday is a new day,
For You and I,
Where we fight more-
Louder than before,
But grow up a little more,
And learn a chunk of one another-
A lesson cherished beyond measure.
I am the happy go lucky,
Retail snappy uber urbane,
Miss high nose,
While he is my meticulous banker,
A diligent laborer
Who burns the midnight oil,
Living his latex and laxative fantasies.
I am the strong one,
Sure yet a bit insecured.
He is the white mouse,
Is sleepless without some light.
Yet is my ray of light,
Of all my umbras.
I am the image conscious,
Careful about first impressions,
All my thoughts oriented to,
Staying ahead as the niche.
While he is the content savvy one,
Very little he cares for bling and jazz.
Few he likes,
Meager he wants-
A true actor,
His mask never slipping,
To reveal who he is within.
But to me,
He will always be the kid,
Whose eyes shall remain ever expressive,
Of inner thoughts and truths.
I am the very straightforward one,
Never taking recourse in half truths and white lies-
Yet somewhere this transparency creates all my folly,
As the many scars run deep
And the wounds still hurt.
He is the street smart one,
Living through a web of deceit,
As an easy path out-
A smooth talker,
In his skilled modus operandi-
He aims to please none,
Yet shrewdly maintains the balance fulcrum ,
To displease no-one.
A pariah of the Porcupine Problem,
I shun him away too,
As I try to deal with my individual mess.
That's when I need him the most,
For he is the closest by far-
He then lets his biology dictate his actions,
And does nothing of what I desire deep.
So we lapse in cold wars
Only to realize how silly we were,
To have wasted all the time,
A hug would been the only answer.
Yet life with him,
Is a joyful ride.
As we sway to our happy tune,
I dance close to him,
Closer- than anyone I dare.
Engulfed in his heat.
A mixture of contradictions,
Are we.
Ying and Yang,
We happily complement.
So You and I today,
Seem like a unit,
Getting firmer,
And shaping up stronger,
Each day.
No matter what the future brings,
Its the You and I 'now'-
Ignoring the past-
That feels so sacred.
Blessed I sleep tonight.

Too Little, Too Late

Have you ever felt
Like a rat trapped in a cold tunnel?
The dirt in the water,
Making it shiver too.
Have you felt like
A caged bird,
Beside an aquarium?
It sees its wings clipped,
As the fish still swim
Through the happy bubbles,
In its sea-like mirage.
Have you felt like
A prisoner of war-
Bartered like a pawn,
In the national net of deceit-
A price paid for his  patriotism.
Have you ever,
Felt like one of the Siamese couplets -
When you think of bonds,
Have you ever thought of being  bodily bonded?
When you think of speed,
Do you ever spare a thought to the
Pain inflicted on the hooves?
Do we ever, step out of our zones,
To think about the building blocks,
Of our comfort?
With age, have we
Become desensitized then?
Oblivious to the small things,
Our greedy eyes set only,
For the golden duck,
Or the biggest fish in the pond?
Are we hungry only,
For pocket sensations-
Seduced by the orgasmic
Smell of the paper notes?
Where do we draw the line then ,
Between reel and real -
Are we so impaired-
That our thought paths,
Run in concentric circles-
Tangent to needs and basics.
Who are we today?
Are we free?
Or empty in mind, body and spirit?
Are we human still?
Or a weary effigy of,
A plethora of impressionable excuses,
As we strive to live an image?
Who am I then,
Am I too one of them?
Where is the 'Me' now?
Too little, too late?

Broken Wings

Almost at the edge   

                                                                                                                   ,

Of cross-roads-

I stand in black-

Bent and weary.

The grey sky scowls down-

As hapless as my mind.

All seem distant to me-

Suddenly.

What I valued or loved-

All seem deadened by the blow.

I take a step forward,

My feet crunching

The bitter shards of the brittle hopes -

A masochistic smile crosses my

Expressionless face.

Driven to self-despair,

Almost at the point of no return,

Suddenly I find no need to 

Clutch onto the empty straws.

There is nothing left to lose.

Nothing left of me to give-

Anymore.

There is no happy tune to be sung,

On broken wings.

Pushed and pulled to the extreme-

I find no solace in company.

The artificiality of the ways of the world,

Humor me.

I feel no-one near me-

As I push the closest away.

I chase my own shadow,

Alone in my mind.

Why does every moment

Have to be so hard?

I long for someone to comfort me-

Yet all seems like condolence messages-

As I stare straight at the ghouls in the eye.

My mind charts out its own escape route,

The rivulets of red flows on ceaseless.

I try to give a vent to my core-

But words elude me.

I am left dangling-

Hanging in my own illusion.

As the 'zombies' wage their war,

In my empty head.

Harsh

Do you miss me at all,
Now that I am gone-
Without a whisper-
Without a trace.
Do you feel any charred void-
In your chagrin-
Or just a sordid indifference-
Of my absence.
Do you feel whole again-now-
With your eyes alight in relief-
A zealous guardian of your space and time?
How deep do the wounds run?
How far are we scarred?
Every time ours paths criss-cross,
We mar each other-
Our words of pain and agony,
In their trail,
A bitter aftertaste.
Push and pull-
Erode and corrode,
The fast diminishing breathing space.
In the place of love,
Animosity digs in its ugly roots.
As our love bites dust,
Grinds to the ground,
Do you smile your twisted smile?
You have moved on-
I am stuck in my same.
How far ahead are you?
Wont you look back at me-
A downtrodden self-
Fallen fast from,
That mantle you had placed me,
High on.
What made you so heartless,
What defined the harshness of your actions?
Veiled contempt-
Barely hidden in your eyes-
You had looked at me then-
Cold eyes marking out your own-
Solitary territory.
Your hand never reached out
For mine.
Your eyes were not the caress,
That were mine before.
Feelingless- you kicked me out-
Expecting me to find my own,
Hunted way back.
Regain strength in my faded glory.
Maybe I shall.
When I stop my need of you.

Fallen Glory

Night brings the loneliness,
Solitude resplendent-
Fallen glory,
My thoughts turn to you.
Past merges with the Present,
As Future looks grim and bleak.
Faded dreams,
In tatters-
Hopes in blue rings of ash-
Settle all around me.
The butts pile up-
As the shots reach a fever pitch.
I try to wipe off the image of you,
From my brain-
Your scent- lingers in my blood.
Passively pensive,
 I watch in my mind's eye-
The happy past streaming by.
All that remains-
Are broken smiles.
You may have been the victor,
In this battle against Fate.
Yet do you feel the sticky sweetness
Of your ugly joy tonight?
Do you at all-
Turn back to watch me-
Or have you really been so heartless-
To turn your back to me-
And watch me die slowly?
An ache- a void- consumes me-
My palate is bitter.
Devoid and barren-
I feel distant from my own self-
As my self-belief is left shaken.
The core of me is repelled-
Appalled- at the inevitable.
Yet I force myself to live on-
Exist ceaselessly in insouciance-
Living in pain-
Living in the past.

Cold

The lines of real and unreal,
Fade away into oblivion-
Cold fingers grip my heart,
As the numb finger tips cradle
A cold coffee cup.
The hard eyes- devoid of emotions,
Stare across the miles,
Turning the pages of HIStory.
Wondering - Pondering-
Wandering.
Amazed at the mazes,
That had been woven for so long.
Questions linger-
The more comprehension
I seek,
The more entrenched I get in the selfish muddle.
Lips pursed- in a blue line.
Code red flashes in my brain.
Logic and Love act at loggerheads-
To believe or not to believe.
Cold winds rustle my mind-
Yet refreshing nothing-
But throwing me deeper in thoughts.
I wish I could turn back time.
'Coz despite the confounding twists and turns
Of an empty fate-
My happiness remains tied with You.
The 5 years,
Seem nothing but fake and hollow today-
Yet a chunk of me,
Reasons against reasons-
To be still in love with it all.
No hope- all say-
I want to believe-
That the man I had believed above All,
Would still love me deep in his heart.
But he acted like his biological self-
And gave it away- to someone else.
My sorrow- knows no bounds-
Just now settled in a cold slumber.
My eyes, search for his face-
In the crowd.
But hopes despair-
What I cherish - now must perish.
'Coz he had killed it all.
He killed me with him too.
Killed my belief in me-
As my faith in faith itself.
I wish It were not so-
And he could be a man
Cold- dumbs my senses.
I am still in love with him.

Opprobrium

Tearless, I close my eyes.

As numbness besets my mind.

Weakness corrodes my senses,

As the shambles of all,

That I held dear-once-

Jar all around me.

The breaking pieces-

A crescendo of the wailing banshee.

Silent screams reverberate -

They echo around my hollow inner being.

No longer, can I feel, 

The bright fake spark of Optimism,

Ignite in me.

No longer, 

Can any facade 

Spur me on.

Broken, I back-trace my pace,

Knowing all roads lead to that dead end.

The kohl runs free now.

Devoid of its obloquy.

Chained to my solitude,

Remorse-struck,

I blame me,

For this grief-

That holds me a prisoner-

In its ignominy.

There could not be a last goodbye-

Nor even a last glimpse-

Of that smiling face,

That had instilled so much faith.

There could not be 

The last gun salute-

Of a man fiercely worshiped-

And a grandfather endeared.

The growing up years,

Of the many hues,

Illumined by His presence-

Wizened by his strength.

His words fill me now.

Take me in - down under.

The passage of years,

Crash by over me- 

Breaking and Shattering,

Into a million pieces-

All brittle- the cherished memories.

In my mind,

I refuse to disbelieve my childish belief,

In his existence still,

On that chair and desk-

Spreading knowledge all around.

The trophies that  adorn the walls,

The books that line the shelves-

Gather rust-

They miss the touch too,

Like his many disciples tonight.

My angst runs down in endless rivulets,

As I brood silently- 

Ruing the distance.

That separates Time, Space and Agony.

Stigmatized, I await the unwinding,

Of the second's hands-

Into more of its nefarious mysteries.

Lamenting the Loss,

I am no longer Me.

I am a bereaved mourner in Black-

An effigy of self-reproachment.