For my Ol' Man.

So long had I,
Associated that,
With the scent of you.
Back in those innocent days,
When that smell-
Would symbolize your proximity.
Each night at nine,
Would run to greet you-
To embrace that smell-
That drew me to you.
Heralded your resonance-
In me.
Acceptance without questioning-
Was the inevitable part in me-
Unconditionally.
My 'id' would drive my need.
As I hunted all over-
For the smell of you,
In your absence.
As wisdom came with age,
And I knew the source of it-
I had never stopped you-
As the sadistic part in me-
Would continue its search-
Repulsively-Compulsively.
Not intoxication-
Not even an addiction-with its serrated edge.
Its just  my re-connection  with my roots.
As I stayed away-
Strayed farther-
I would still be reliving the smell,
That would often linger on your fingertips-
When you chose to be close to me.
Its all etched in my mind-
A picture of the past-
Kept away callously-
In that ash-tray.
The smoke's the ghost that keeps you close.
An efficacy of the effigy-
That-though tainted- refuses to be sordid.
I smell it all about me now-
As I stir the ashes myself-
This time.
While the thoughts continue,
To haunt with its taunt.

Amour.

Somewhere, as the road forks,
Over to the shadow lands
And the blinding turns,
I still travel the cobbled stones-
Up turned- bare-feet.
My arrhythmic steps,
Crafting their own pace-
Marching on- with their own beat-
No matter the jagged edges
And the jaded footfalls.
There seems to be
No beginning,
No end-
Of this path that I traverse now.
Uncontrolled-unhurried foot steps,
Race along with time-
The clock stands- as my solitary witness of accord.
Amour.
Its my zeal.
A new found, newly created identity.
Amour-
My only home-the address unchanged.
It beckons out to me-
To strive harder-
For that patience in its perfection,
Previously amiss.
It draws me to it,
Like a moth to fire,
As I watch with sinful pleasure-
The embers burning my fingertips.
Scars- seem mysteriously meaningless-
Now,
I watch the marks appear in their distorted forms-
As they spread their spidery scatter plots-
All across my mind space.
My red eyes,
Search for the dark pools,
Of the familiar brown,
That guide me to my freedom.
Chained- bound- till then,
Willing and able,
Lost in this curious contradiction,
Of black and white.
Grey- colors my reasons now.
I seek no form-
No definition.
No concrete abstracts.
Metamorphosis- catalyzes my motion now.
My thought buds,
Nascent- in their matured bloom.
Evolution- tinged with yellow.
Amour in my red.
I feel it,
Coursing in through me,
Its pulsating drum beats of disharmony,
Suddenly my joy.
Regression- seems sweeter,
Correlation - still stronger yet.
Mutuality- a defence.
Amour.
My shelter.
Still.
Against all odds.

Paper Trails

Paper trails-
Burnt ashes.
Lie smothering at my feet.
The embers spitting out the
Fire- my amber doubts aglow.
As I look down-
At the black remains,
With wonderment-
At what had caused me to chase thee.
My heart was never in it.
The empty papers speaketh words
Of hollow sweetness.
Of empty spaces.
Ka ching- Ah I hear it too.
But it all makes no sense to me.
As now I feel that I really,
Had not missed out on  much.
'Coz my heart was never in it.
Driven by a primal instinct-
I follow the trails too-
Like my other primates.
The spiral  bound dreams seem
So cloudless tonight.
The Steam- just empty gas.
My dreams of crystal-
Liquefy- as they bend to its pressure.
The ugly stench of burnt skin-
Of the many fingers-
That had touched the papers-
Invades my nostrils.
Closing down all my senses.
Not entirely defenceless-
I stare numb at the charred ruins.
"The paper holds their folded faces to the floor."
Yes- they tell me-
"Its a sin somehow-
That light is changing to shadow,
And casting its doubts-
Over all we have known."
But I beg to differ.
'Coz my my heart was never in it.
My dreams then  perhaps
Are of a land-
Where the speechless may unite and rejoice-
In a silent of accord-
Of a chord which lies heedless-
Today-
In the dreams of the 'Proud.'
But I can pay no 'price'
For my pride.
I have just grown away-
And beyond all its mesmerizing folly.
On the wings of the night-
I have flown away from the
Days of empty smiles-
Of the pale and the downtrodden-
The upper societal sections-
And their greens.
My hungry heart shall seek
What it desires.
'Coz my heart was never in it-
So far.

Transitions.

If you ask me why,
I've changed,
I cant give you,
A clear answer,
Except look away.
There are things,
I want you to know,
But I shall refrain,
From reducing them to syllables.
I dont want the
Look in your eyes to change.
I'm afraid again,
Of letting you in
Too deep,
Unsettling the arches,
Of my so called defences.
You know me too well.
Distance- seems more of a security
To keep at bay-all my confusions.
When all along,
Proximity raises phobia.
No more do I want to
Live in self-doubt.

Silence.

Engulfed by the icy winds,
So long,
Have I, given way to the passiveness,
Of my soul.
Rotting in negligence
Of my own voice.
Somewhere,
I had,
Lost my way.
I see it all now.
Clear- in the crystal clarity of the night.
There's been too much of silence
In me.
Waiting for the right moment,
To burst forth -
Pour out its rain and filth.
Crash ashore.
Beyond barriers
Of defiance.
And rise up,
In menace.
So long have I,
Longed to break
The shackles,
That had chained me,
To my empty past.
For me now,
Finally I feel,
That the time has come.
To eveolve-
Metamorphose,
Into a new state of being.
Be a new me.
Shed all skins of the old.
Look ahead-
With a clearer focus,
A sharper vision.
Retrospection, then,
Has given a brighter meaning,
To my silencio in solitude.

Tonight

Tonight, let me be,

Lost in the negativity of you.

Let my mind dwell,

On your shaded ways,

And jaded words.

Tonight, 

Let me hate you.

With a zeal-

As intense as  love.

Let me burn,

In the embers,

Of your ire.

Trapped in the contradiction

Of your absence in your presence,

Let me not find you, 

When I may reach out.

Let the darkness be my friend,

For tonight,

Let my lonesome ways,

Guide me.

To my own light.

Through the Rain

So long have we
Been used to the rain.
The cold winds,
Slapping thoughts,
To turn to reality.
The numbed senses,
Calmed.
Every time,
We had emerged-
Lighter - than before.
Faith and Trust
Had been personified-
In our stride.
Buoyant in our celebration,
Of  the Truth and its Rejuvenation-
Our days had  gained a new sheen,
Amidst all the needed redundancy.
The magical dream-run now
Is close to an end.
The final countdown,
Has begun its slow march
To the inevitable-already.
Days painfully numbered,
Dreams unwillingly crystallized;
The Distance greater-intensified,
Each time our eyes meet.
Passive in the
Illusion of our days so far,
We wait-
In anticipation,
To the New.
Yet a part of us-
Yearns to turn back the time.
The vivid moments captured,
Locked deep in our
Mind clocks.
Wary of what would follow,
In lieu of  proximity.
We step back-
Conscious-
Of our new roles.
As an innocuous  by-stander-
Watching the colours splash-
And paint renewed webs of thoughts.
Yet alert to all nuances,
That the forced subtlety would
Choose to hide.
Logic takes hold of us now.
The cold practicality-
Of needs and wants-
The blacks and whites,
Of the rights and wrongs-
Take a backseat-
In their cemented permanence.
Clarity in wakefulness-
Is what we now live by.
The choice had been long made-
When once lost.
Every step now taken,
Would have its cost.
But we hold on-
'Coz through  the rain-
We had learnt-
What would always
Make sense.
Empty though-
A road void of aim.
Yet its a phase-
A mere consolation.
Till the seeker finds solace again.